Sometimes the internet is wonderful

I had no idea that Kristen Bell was related to the world’s biggest Justin Bieber fan.

:3

Objectum Sexuals: An Architect’s Worst Nightmare.

I hate everything about everything right now.

You know the guy from South Korea who married an anime pillow? There are people who neither require their inanimate love affairs to include anything with a face or any soft edges.

“I am definitely physically attracted to this fence.”

“…One of the most difficult things about being in love with a public object…”

Bitch is cheating on the Eiffel Tower with the Golden Gate? WHAT A SLUT.

At 3:03 he shushes the bridge.

Hilariously, the ad on the side of the page on youtube is an advertisement for Princess Cruises.

 

EDIT: It’s a whole documentary.

FRIDAY NIGHT PLANS: DECIDED.

Let Me Talk At You About Numbers.

It’s not very often that my field of study and my amusement and hatred for the internet can be intertwined. And when it happens, I feel a little weird clash of worlds and it makes me slightly dizzy. People rarely want to talk with me about math, and when they do I feel like I’ve been spotted and that I should probably change my identity and run away. It’s almost like I’m living a secret spy life that’s really boring and full of calculators and graphs and sitting around laughing at people writing their Induction proofs while forgetting to set up their basis before they do the recursion. LOLOL RITE?

Anyway, you guys remember this whole thing, right? In 2006, a man called George Vaccaro had a horrible mathematical misunderstanding with Verizon over charges. He recorded a phone call dispute with Verizon because they couldn’t tell the difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents. It was a nightmare.

I remember thinking it was kind of funny and sad at the same time. Listening to the guy on the recording is frustrating as fuck because they don’t understand and cant acknowledge that there’s a problem. They are using faulty math, and I’m sure it’s been very embarrassing for them (which might explain the complete lack of news reporting on the subject, and half of the YouTube videos have been taken down. HMMM).

But also? He’s coming off as a crazy douchebag. Yes, he is totally in the right. Yes, he was overcharged and is taking their policy at face value. But he knew the .002cent for data charges was bogus and did all this to get a rise out of the company on purpose. It’s one thing to inform them of their mistake, but he knew full well and purposely tried to dick with them, he’s attacking customer service people. They aren't the people who create the charging quotes and, honestly, they shouldn’t be expected to deal with someone being condescending to them and telling them that they are why we weep for our educational system. I think every person who graduates high school should know this type of math, but the truth is that they don’t. It’s a sad truth. You cant take your anger at society out on the products of it.

Anyway, that all happened several years ago. They have since changed how they quote their international data charges and have given him a full refund. They even officially apologized within 5 days of the phone call.

But recently, this image has been making the rounds.

 

The creator of XKCD wrote that check to Verizon in a show of solidarity with our friend George.

Completely ignoring the fact that it’s a double macro (scientifically proven to not be funny unless it’s an Xzibit meme), I have a couple problems with this and the fact that people are rallying behind it and being all “OMG TAKE THAT, LEARN MATH MORONS” and “LOL FIGURE THAT OUT, VERIZON” when they don’t even know what’s going on.

1. First of all, The mathematical constant pi is not spelled “pie”

2. It’s exp(i*pi) not exp(2*pi). Aside from the obvious reading comprehension issues, it doesn’t come out to 535.4936555.

To people who study math, this is quickly recognized as the Euler identity. It’s equal to –1. It is considered by many to be one of the most beautiful equations in the world, because it describes all the fundamental numbers and all of the fundamental operations without any extra fancy bullshit. Its simplicity is astounding.

3. There isn't anything about limits in the third term, it’s just the sum of the geometric series. It converges at 1. Taking the limit of a constant is a constant. Series’ and limits often hang out together, but that description is some nonsensical bullshit.

4. The total amount for that check isnt $536.49. It’s $.002. WHICH MAKES SENSE since the entire controversy is over an amount of .002% Although, personally, I would have written the check for .002 cents and not $0.002 to drive the point home even further (since he was saying he shouldn’t have to pay .002 dollars when he was quoted .002 cents).

Basically, the guy from XKCD knows his shit. He’s an engineer or something and he’s legit. Reading that white part where they completely butcher a two mathematical concepts that are actually considered beautiful and amazing BECAUSE of their simplicity and clarity… it’s like if a history teacher spoke with a teenage girl who got all of her knowledge of WWII from the movie Hellboy. It’s painful.

There’s this weird thing going on in the world lately, and on the internet in particular that I’ve noticed. Maybe I just notice it more because I’m obviously a huge nerd that has been moving farther into the math and physics world. Being “Nerdy” is starting to be cool and trendy, a lot of people are attributing to themselves a much higher understanding/aptitude/interest in math and science than they would normally have. I meet tons of people who say they “love” math when they’ve never even taken calculus. That’s like saying you love Paris because you saw a postcard. Or you “love” performing on stage because you played a tree in your kindergarten play. It’s ridiculous. People tell me this half-understood nonsense with the confidence of someone who has won a Nobel Prize!

Last year in Modern Physics, about halfway through the semester we were learning about relativity. For three days we were working on a few equations and relationships and the teacher was just proposing things to us and we were integrating them and just fiddling around, but really stretching our understandings. It took everything I ever learned in just about 18 years of mathematics and 2 years of physics to keep up with him, but it was awesome. And then at the end of the third day we were finally able to derive E=mc^2.

It was honestly one of the most beautiful moments of my life, it’s why I study this shit. I love it, and there is nothing like the feeling of working hard through some messy stuff, tapping into that part of your brain and then arriving to a simple, yet world-changing, conclusion.

Which is why when I come across stuff like this, or people I know come up to me randomly trying to talk to me about shit after reading about it on Wikipedia for 15 minutes it makes me completely insane. I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to grasp these concepts that are known for being difficult, and I am far from being a genius. Don’t tell me that you understand Quantum Entanglement when you don’t understand Differential Equations. Shit, I mean, I feel like I remember Einstein saying that after all the math was worked out, he  didn’t even understand it fully anymore. The first paragraph in my Quantum Mechanics textbook has an quote by Niels Bohr saying “If you are not confused by quantum physics than you haven't really understood it” and Richard Feynman says “I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics.”

The funny thing is that some of the most intelligent and well-reasoned people who would never dream of calling themselves “Intellectuals” (because of how pretentious it is to call yourself a goddamned intellectual) have either no higher education or have a degree in a completely unrelated field. These people are the quiet geniuses. The best conversations I’ve had about the philosophical or cosmological ramifications of these physics concepts that I barely understand are with chefs and laborers and car mechanics. All the people who come up to me and say “So, I was thinking. Why don’t they just reconcile String Theory with general relativity and quantum entanglement by treating the strings as Gravitons...?” are the dicks.

Basically, all that rambling is just saying that the state of mathematical knowledge in the world is terrible right now. It feels like there are two camps of people that are bad at math. There’s the people that know they’re terrible, don’t use it, and don’t need it on a day-to-day basis. And then there are those who think they know what they are talking about and fuck it up even worse through their arrogance and bravado.

You’re not allowed to call yourself a science geek if you don’t have a rudimentary understanding of science. It’s not like watching a TV show and oh, dip, now you have credentials.

Project Runway doesn’t make you a fashion designer.

Ancient Aliens does not make you a historian.

Top Chef wont get you a Michelin star.

The Big Bang Theory will not teach you real math or physics.

XADERESTIALS

You guys ever watch Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? I popped it on on Netflix last night to watch while I was lazing around and falling asleep, figuring it would be good for a laugh. I didn’t realize it would be the greatest discovery of my lifetime.

I figured it would be ridiculous. I figured it would be silly and incorrect, jumping to wild conclusions about simply explainable “phenomena.” It was so much more.

They started out showing these rocks that were cut to an impressive precision during the bronze age, and their main argument against ancient people being able to do it was along the lines of “Well it would take like a lifetime of work and training without modern tools and I wouldn’t do that shit for free.” which is hilarious.

But then they ramped the crazy pseudoscience up to like a million.

Let me introduce to you the main interviewee, a producer of the show, and huge proponant of what he calls the Ancient Astronaut Theory;

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos

But, less talking, and more looking at his hair.

No. Joke.

It’s magnificent in still-form. But seeing it in action is even better.

As far as I can tell, the entire show is two full seasons of this. Every once in awhile they get a legitimate scientist to be like “Yeah it’s kind of a mystery.” and then a crazy person is like “IT COULD ONLY BE ALIENS.” and that crazy person is usually Giorgio.

Basically they are saying that any ancient mythology or theology is actually aliens.

• Excellent and precise craftwork? Aliens.
• Knowledge of Mathematics or Engineering? Aliens.
• God/Gods? Aliens.
• Dragons? Aliens.
• Pharaohs having weird hats? Aliens.
• Angels? Aliens.
• The Source of fantabulous volume in Giorgio’s Hair? ALIENS.

Because the idea of believing in DRAGONS is FOOLISH because they are obviously Aliens.

None of that really matters though. Nothing that they say in this show matters at all. It’s only the cherry on top to Giorgio’s ability to take my breath away.

DON’T FORGET. The only way to disprove the Ancient Assonauts Theory is when the Aliens show up and say “Naw, that wasn’t me, dog.” Giorgio knows all this because he has a degree in Sports Commenting . And we all know that Tebow is so good at football because of ALIENS.

 

NINJA EDIT.

I just started following Giorgio on facebook. Check out how creepyamazing this guy is:

His twitter is also goddamned amazing:

Oh god I hope that’s what's in Oak Island.

Also, the fanart people post on his facebook is lifechanging.

For a lifetime of entertainment, just google image search this man’s name and sit back and enjoy.

Yahooooooooo…?

Yahoo questions is one of my favorite things. Making fun of retarded twilight fan teenagers is another of my favorite things.

Discoveries like this are exactly what this website was created for:

 

BITCH IS EATING HER OWN TAMPONS.

But it’s ok, because people do it all the time:

There's an old Santeria (I think it's Santeria, I could be wrong there) that says if a woman cooks her period blood into some food and feeds it to her lover, he'll be with her forever. I knew several girls that did this in high school to their boyfriends.

Barffffff.

But seriously though, the Mythology & Folklore section of Yahoo Answers is a legitimate treasure trove of the curiosity and imagination of retarded 13 year olds.

Here’s some more amazingly beautiful ones:

DEFEND YOUR ANSWER.

It means that you are an attention whore.

All very good points.

And then there’s some questions about Mexicans:

And then we have the greatest question I’ve ever seen, which totally stumps me.

 

WELL???

OH. MY. GOD.

Ok guys, this is a long one but you need to bear with me. This is a massively long email from an NY Investment Banker to accuse a girl he went on a date with of giving him mixed signals and demanding an apology from her for touching her hair too much.

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

I cant even comment on this. The best parts are bolded (the emphasis is mine). It seems that this isn’t the first time he has done this, and he isn’t even the first super insane investment banker who stalks people.  

Last one, I promise

"I have been baybeestalked so many times, I should wear a t-shirt that states: "I don't give a damn about your kyd, so keep it out of my face!" in bold, black letters.
Why...oh why do pahrunts insist on doing this? It's especially bad at my local grocery store. Last week, a twenty-something baybeestalking duh, all dressed up in his rapper gear (yes I know that makes me sound like a geezer) has his little daughter with him in the lineup next to me and my boyfriend. He decides to shout at the kyd, making sure everyone in the store saw him with his toadler.
What was shocking, was that he left the kyd, who was probably not much older than two years old, to stand in the lineup, while he went to return some fucking flowers at another place in the store! My boyfriend and I assumed they were for the "baybeemamma." or whoever.
The kyd was standing there all by herself, ready to be snatched up by anyone who would have wanted her!
He just said, "Stay there..." and walked off, expecting everyone in the lineup to watch her for him.
I actually felt sorry for the kyd. Her duh is just a douchebag and a loser, who uses her to attract attention upon himself. "Look what my dick made, everyone!" and "see what a great father I am, I"m a GOOD GUY!!! SEE???"
Baybeestalking duhs are the worst! "

I don’t even.

I think Christmas Came Early this year!!

We (and by “we” I mean the Royal We, obviously) have been getting a lot of extra traffic lately, and there has been a surprising amount of attention (and by that I mean “a comment”) on two of my posts from like, a million years ago.

The first is the post I made in 2008 about Japan’s strange obsession with huge hairy-balled raccoons called Tanuki. Someone said something about Tanuki being featured in Super Mario and someone else FLIPPED THEIR SHIT about Super Mario innacuracies and said “Go back to playing xbox live.” Which I don’t understand whatsoever, but find hilarious.

The second is a post I made this past April about people on the internet who consider themselves Child Free. As you can see, someone commented comparing “being a child” to “having an infectious disease” which is pretty funny, but THEN I followed the stats and found this forum where they are correcting all of my naïve and misinformed opinions in a very balanced and polite manner. This is LIVE! It’s happening RIGHT NOW!:

Here are my favorite quotes so far:

This chick sounds like a bitter wannabreed with some issues.
Either that or a breeder pleaser with some SERIOUS issues.

These made-up words (“wannabreed” and “breeder pleaser”) come to you from an adult that chooses to represent themselves with a Pokémon avatar.

Definitely a breeder pleaser.
They state they don't want kids, I reckon they secretly DO, but can't find a partner.
This chick would get knocked up in a heartbeat if the situation allowed.

Aw shit, you got me. If only I could find a man to have all of the babies with.

"defies all biological impulses and removes you from possibly your only reason for existence."
It that's your only reason for existence then you're no more evolved than a chimpanzee. We're intelligent (supposedly) creatures.

Science time: Anyone who claims that human beings are “More Evolved” than any other creature has an incredibly simplified and incorrect view of how evolution works. Sharing common ancestors is different from “evolving from apes.” It’s not like Chimpanzees haven't done any evolving of their own in the last several million years. They didn’t just stop evolving while we shot forward in time. This kind of understanding of evolution is exactly the kind of thinking that leads to Creationism and Intelligent Design. We just evolved differently, not more so.

The rest of the forum kind of devolves into smiley face .gifs and a joke about an x-rated version of “Green Eggs and Sperm” and there are a few more people calling me fun things like “mindlss-sheeple-idiot,” “Uncharacteristically stupid” and, of course, there is a Rocky Horror Picture Show reference for good measure.

this chick doesn't get it because she is a wannabe breeder. she likes kiddies -or pretends to because she thinks she should- therefore isn't told repeatedly how spoiled she is, how selfish, how she doesn't know what love is, etc. why? beacuse breeders have much more tolerance for the childfree who profess to LIKE kids.
the rest of us get treated a bit differently

I will tell you right now, I am happier than a pig in shit. First off, people are reading the bullshit that I write! The fact that they are getting angry about it is just the cherry on top. Second of all, I’ve had a true self-awakening. I think they’re right, I am just a confused child-free-breeder-pleaser. I’m going to accept that no one will ever knock me up and will just start punching children everywhere in the face and refuse to share my Star Trek Action figures with anyone ever again!!

Who am I kidding? No one has ever been allowed to touch my blackface captain kirk doll and no one ever will.

PS. As a bonus, I’ve taken a screen clipping of the google search terms that lead people to my blog:


Is this what success feels like?

The Finns

So, the All-American Hero that runs Regretsy has been obsessed with Finland lately. I don’t really pay attention to the words she writes while crafting and drinking or whatever but yeah. It’s all about Finland and she’s planning on going there.

And as such, she has posted a bunch of pictures of Finnish Hipsters. I try to avoid completely regurgitating better people’s blogging but seriously you guys.

SERIOUSLY.

JUST LOOK.

 

 

 

I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like they heard about what American hipsters are doing and then just went hog-wild with it trying to poke fun. It reminds me of the Ganguros doing their weird version of California-Girl.

From my own investigation of the original source of these pictures (Hel looks), I discovered the following “more normal” entries with descriptions of the inspirations behind the looks.

“I am dreaming of a mustard corded trouser”

 

“I like mixing different shades and textures of Black”

“My mother is my style icon”

But it got me thinking. Anytime I’ve ever seen fashion blogs, I am baffled regardless of the country it comes to. For example, I found these “Street Fashions” on a website for one of the fashion hotspots of North America: New York City.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess the only conclusion I can come to is that I don’t understand fashion at all. Whether it’s 100 miles away or 4,054 miles away, I just don’t fucking get it.

OWS

If you had any doubts about the ridiculousness of Occupy Wall Street, I give you the following evidence:

Russel Brand Joins Protest in New York.