The Internet Is Horrible

Sometimes the internet is wonderful

2012-02-11T12:25:00.001-05:00

I had no idea that Kristen Bell was related to the world’s biggest Justin Bieber fan.

Objectum Sexuals: An Architect’s Worst Nightmare.

2012-01-27T16:38:00.001-05:00

I hate everything about everything right now.

You know the guy from South Korea who married an anime pillow? There are people who neither require their inanimate love affairs to include anything with a face or any soft edges.

“I am definitely physically attracted to this fence.”

“…One of the most difficult things about being in love with a public object…”

Bitch is cheating on the Eiffel Tower with the Golden Gate? WHAT A SLUT.

At 3:03 he shushes the bridge.

Hilariously, the ad on the side of the page on youtube is an advertisement for Princess Cruises.

EDIT: It’s a whole documentary.

FRIDAY NIGHT PLANS: DECIDED.

Let Me Talk At You About Numbers.

2012-01-24T00:16:00.001-05:00

It’s not very often that my field of study and my amusement and hatred for the internet can be intertwined. And when it happens, I feel a little weird clash of worlds and it makes me slightly dizzy. People rarely want to talk with me about math, and when they do I feel like I’ve been spotted and that I should probably change my identity and run away. It’s almost like I’m living a secret spy life that’s really boring and full of calculators and graphs and sitting around laughing at people writing their Induction proofs while forgetting to set up their basis before they do the recursion. LOLOL RITE?

Anyway, you guys remember this whole thing, right? In 2006, a man called George Vaccaro had a horrible mathematical misunderstanding with Verizon over charges. He recorded a phone call dispute with Verizon because they couldn’t tell the difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents. It was a nightmare.

I remember thinking it was kind of funny and sad at the same time. Listening to the guy on the recording is frustrating as fuck because they don’t understand and cant acknowledge that there’s a problem. They are using faulty math, and I’m sure it’s been very embarrassing for them (which might explain the complete lack of news reporting on the subject, and half of the YouTube videos have been taken down. HMMM).

But also? He’s coming off as a crazy douchebag. Yes, he is totally in the right. Yes, he was overcharged and is taking their policy at face value. But he knew the .002cent for data charges was bogus and did all this to get a rise out of the company on purpose. It’s one thing to inform them of their mistake, but he knew full well and purposely tried to dick with them, he’s attacking customer service people. They aren't the people who create the charging quotes and, honestly, they shouldn’t be expected to deal with someone being condescending to them and telling them that they are why we weep for our educational system. I think every person who graduates high school should know this type of math, but the truth is that they don’t. It’s a sad truth. You cant take your anger at society out on the products of it.

Anyway, that all happened several years ago. They have since changed how they quote their international data charges and have given him a full refund. They even officially apologized within 5 days of the phone call.

But recently, this image has been making the rounds.

The creator of XKCD wrote that check to Verizon in a show of solidarity with our friend George.

Completely ignoring the fact that it’s a double macro (scientifically proven to not be funny unless it’s an Xzibit meme), I have a couple problems with this and the fact that people are rallying behind it and being all “OMG TAKE THAT, LEARN MATH MORONS” and “LOL FIGURE THAT OUT, VERIZON” when they don’t even know what’s going on.

1. First of all, The mathematical constant pi is not spelled “pie”

2. It’s exp(i*pi) not exp(2*pi). Aside from the obvious reading comprehension issues, it doesn’t come out to 535.4936555.

To people who study math, this is quickly recognized as the Euler identity. It’s equal to –1. It is considered by many to be one of the most beautiful equations in the world, because it describes all the fundamental numbers and all of the fundamental operations without any extra fancy bullshit. Its simplicity is astounding.

3. There isn't anything about limits in the third term, it’s just the sum of the geometric series. It converges at 1. Taking the limit of a constant is a constant. Series’ and limits often hang out together, but that description is some nonsensical bullshit.

4. The total amount for that check isnt $536.49. It’s $.002. WHICH MAKES SENSE since the entire controversy is over an amount of .002% Although, personally, I would have written the check for .002 cents and not $0.002 to drive the point home even further (since he was saying he shouldn’t have to pay .002 dollars when he was quoted .002 cents).

Basically, the guy from XKCD knows his shit. He’s an engineer or something and he’s legit. Reading that white part where they completely butcher a two mathematical concepts that are actually considered beautiful and amazing BECAUSE of their simplicity and clarity… it’s like if a history teacher spoke with a teenage girl who got all of her knowledge of WWII from the movie Hellboy. It’s painful.

There’s this weird thing going on in the world lately, and on the internet in particular that I’ve noticed. Maybe I just notice it more because I’m obviously a huge nerd that has been moving farther into the math and physics world. Being “Nerdy” is starting to be cool and trendy, a lot of people are attributing to themselves a much higher understanding/aptitude/interest in math and science than they would normally have. I meet tons of people who say they “love” math when they’ve never even taken calculus. That’s like saying you love Paris because you saw a postcard. Or you “love” performing on stage because you played a tree in your kindergarten play. It’s ridiculous. People tell me this half-understood nonsense with the confidence of someone who has won a Nobel Prize!

Last year in Modern Physics, about halfway through the semester we were learning about relativity. For three days we were working on a few equations and relationships and the teacher was just proposing things to us and we were integrating them and just fiddling around, but really stretching our understandings. It took everything I ever learned in just about 18 years of mathematics and 2 years of physics to keep up with him, but it was awesome. And then at the end of the third day we were finally able to derive E=mc^2.

It was honestly one of the most beautiful moments of my life, it’s why I study this shit. I love it, and there is nothing like the feeling of working hard through some messy stuff, tapping into that part of your brain and then arriving to a simple, yet world-changing, conclusion.

Which is why when I come across stuff like this, or people I know come up to me randomly trying to talk to me about shit after reading about it on Wikipedia for 15 minutes it makes me completely insane. I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to grasp these concepts that are known for being difficult, and I am far from being a genius. Don’t tell me that you understand Quantum Entanglement when you don’t understand Differential Equations. Shit, I mean, I feel like I remember Einstein saying that after all the math was worked out, he didn’t even understand it fully anymore. The first paragraph in my Quantum Mechanics textbook has an quote by Niels Bohr saying “If you are not confused by quantum physics than you haven't really understood it” and Richard Feynman says “I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics.”

The funny thing is that some of the most intelligent and well-reasoned people who would never dream of calling themselves “Intellectuals” (because of how pretentious it is to call yourself a goddamned intellectual) have either no higher education or have a degree in a completely unrelated field. These people are the quiet geniuses. The best conversations I’ve had about the philosophical or cosmological ramifications of these physics concepts that I barely understand are with chefs and laborers and car mechanics. All the people who come up to me and say “So, I was thinking. Why don’t they just reconcile String Theory with general relativity and quantum entanglement by treating the strings as Gravitons...?” are the dicks.

Basically, all that rambling is just saying that the state of mathematical knowledge in the world is terrible right now. It feels like there are two camps of people that are bad at math. There’s the people that know they’re terrible, don’t use it, and don’t need it on a day-to-day basis. And then there are those who think they know what they are talking about and fuck it up even worse through their arrogance and bravado.

You’re not allowed to call yourself a science geek if you don’t have a rudimentary understanding of science. It’s not like watching a TV show and oh, dip, now you have credentials.

Project Runway doesn’t make you a fashion designer.

Ancient Aliens does not make you a historian.

Top Chef wont get you a Michelin star.

The Big Bang Theory will not teach you real math or physics.

XADERESTIALS

2012-01-13T15:28:00.001-05:00

You guys ever watch Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? I popped it on on Netflix last night to watch while I was lazing around and falling asleep, figuring it would be good for a laugh. I didn’t realize it would be the greatest discovery of my lifetime.

I figured it would be ridiculous. I figured it would be silly and incorrect, jumping to wild conclusions about simply explainable “phenomena.” It was so much more.

They started out showing these rocks that were cut to an impressive precision during the bronze age, and their main argument against ancient people being able to do it was along the lines of “Well it would take like a lifetime of work and training without modern tools and I wouldn’t do that shit for free.” which is hilarious.

But then they ramped the crazy pseudoscience up to like a million.

Let me introduce to you the main interviewee, a producer of the show, and huge proponant of what he calls the Ancient Astronaut Theory;

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos

But, less talking, and more looking at his hair.

No. Joke.

It’s magnificent in still-form. But seeing it in action is even better.

As far as I can tell, the entire show is two full seasons of this. Every once in awhile they get a legitimate scientist to be like “Yeah it’s kind of a mystery.” and then a crazy person is like “IT COULD ONLY BE ALIENS.” and that crazy person is usually Giorgio.

Basically they are saying that any ancient mythology or theology is actually aliens.

Excellent and precise craftwork? Aliens.
Knowledge of Mathematics or Engineering? Aliens.
God/Gods? Aliens.
Dragons? Aliens.
Pharaohs having weird hats? Aliens.
Angels? Aliens.
The Source of fantabulous volume in Giorgio’s Hair? ALIENS.

Because the idea of believing in DRAGONS is FOOLISH because they are obviously Aliens.

None of that really matters though. Nothing that they say in this show matters at all. It’s only the cherry on top to Giorgio’s ability to take my breath away.

DON’T FORGET. The only way to disprove the Ancient Assonauts Theory is when the Aliens show up and say “Naw, that wasn’t me, dog.” Giorgio knows all this because he has a degree in Sports Commenting . And we all know that Tebow is so good at football because of ALIENS.

NINJA EDIT.

I just started following Giorgio on facebook. Check out how creepyamazing this guy is:

His twitter is also goddamned amazing:

Oh god I hope that’s what's in Oak Island.

Also, the fanart people post on his facebook is lifechanging.

For a lifetime of entertainment, just google image search this man’s name and sit back and enjoy.

Yahooooooooo…?

2012-01-06T16:13:00.001-05:00

Yahoo questions is one of my favorite things. Making fun of retarded twilight fan teenagers is another of my favorite things.

Discoveries like this are exactly what this website was created for:

BITCH IS EATING HER OWN TAMPONS.

But it’s ok, because people do it all the time:

There's an old Santeria (I think it's Santeria, I could be wrong there) that says if a woman cooks her period blood into some food and feeds it to her lover, he'll be with her forever. I knew several girls that did this in high school to their boyfriends.

Barffffff.

But seriously though, the Mythology & Folklore section of Yahoo Answers is a legitimate treasure trove of the curiosity and imagination of retarded 13 year olds.

Here’s some more amazingly beautiful ones:

DEFEND YOUR ANSWER.

It means that you are an attention whore.

All very good points.

And then there’s some questions about Mexicans:

And then we have the greatest question I’ve ever seen, which totally stumps me.

WELL???

OH. MY. GOD.

2011-12-14T14:14:00.001-05:00

Ok guys, this is a long one but you need to bear with me. This is a massively long email from an NY Investment Banker to accuse a girl he went on a date with of giving him mixed signals and demanding an apology from her for touching her hair too much.

Hi Lauren,
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.
I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.
Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:
-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.
-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.
-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.
In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).
I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.
If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.
If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.
Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.
I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.
If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.
If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.
Best, Mike

I cant even comment on this. The best parts are bolded (the emphasis is mine). It seems that this isn’t the first time he has done this, and he isn’t even the first super insane investment banker who stalks people.

Last one, I promise

2011-11-17T15:23:00.002-05:00

"I have been baybeestalked so many times, I should wear a t-shirt that states: "I don't give a damn about your kyd, so keep it out of my face!" in bold, black letters.
Why...oh why do pahrunts insist on doing this? It's especially bad at my local grocery store. Last week, a twenty-something baybeestalking duh, all dressed up in his rapper gear (yes I know that makes me sound like a geezer) has his little daughter with him in the lineup next to me and my boyfriend. He decides to shout at the kyd, making sure everyone in the store saw him with his toadler.
What was shocking, was that he left the kyd, who was probably not much older than two years old, to stand in the lineup, while he went to return some fucking flowers at another place in the store! My boyfriend and I assumed they were for the "baybeemamma." or whoever.
The kyd was standing there all by herself, ready to be snatched up by anyone who would have wanted her!
He just said, "Stay there..." and walked off, expecting everyone in the lineup to watch her for him.
I actually felt sorry for the kyd. Her duh is just a douchebag and a loser, who uses her to attract attention upon himself. "Look what my dick made, everyone!" and "see what a great father I am, I"m a GOOD GUY!!! SEE???"
Baybeestalking duhs are the worst! "

I don’t even.

I think Christmas Came Early this year!!

2011-11-17T12:48:00.003-05:00

We (and by “we” I mean the Royal We, obviously) have been getting a lot of extra traffic lately, and there has been a surprising amount of attention (and by that I mean “a comment”) on two of my posts from like, a million years ago.

The first is the post I made in 2008 about Japan’s strange obsession with huge hairy-balled raccoons called Tanuki. Someone said something about Tanuki being featured in Super Mario and someone else FLIPPED THEIR SHIT about Super Mario innacuracies and said “Go back to playing xbox live.” Which I don’t understand whatsoever, but find hilarious.

The second is a post I made this past April about people on the internet who consider themselves Child Free. As you can see, someone commented comparing “being a child” to “having an infectious disease” which is pretty funny, but THEN I followed the stats and found this forum where they are correcting all of my naïve and misinformed opinions in a very balanced and polite manner. This is LIVE! It’s happening RIGHT NOW!:

Here are my favorite quotes so far:

This chick sounds like a bitter wannabreed with some issues.
Either that or a breeder pleaser with some SERIOUS issues.

These made-up words (“wannabreed” and “breeder pleaser”) come to you from an adult that chooses to represent themselves with a Pokémon avatar.

Definitely a breeder pleaser.
They state they don't want kids, I reckon they secretly DO, but can't find a partner.
This chick would get knocked up in a heartbeat if the situation allowed.

Aw shit, you got me. If only I could find a man to have all of the babies with.

"defies all biological impulses and removes you from possibly your only reason for existence."
It that's your only reason for existence then you're no more evolved than a chimpanzee. We're intelligent (supposedly) creatures.

Science time: Anyone who claims that human beings are “More Evolved” than any other creature has an incredibly simplified and incorrect view of how evolution works. Sharing common ancestors is different from “evolving from apes.” It’s not like Chimpanzees haven't done any evolving of their own in the last several million years. They didn’t just stop evolving while we shot forward in time. This kind of understanding of evolution is exactly the kind of thinking that leads to Creationism and Intelligent Design. We just evolved differently, not more so.

The rest of the forum kind of devolves into smiley face .gifs and a joke about an x-rated version of “Green Eggs and Sperm” and there are a few more people calling me fun things like “mindlss-sheeple-idiot,” “Uncharacteristically stupid” and, of course, there is a Rocky Horror Picture Show reference for good measure.

this chick doesn't get it because she is a wannabe breeder. she likes kiddies -or pretends to because she thinks she should- therefore isn't told repeatedly how spoiled she is, how selfish, how she doesn't know what love is, etc. why? beacuse breeders have much more tolerance for the childfree who profess to LIKE kids.
the rest of us get treated a bit differently

I will tell you right now, I am happier than a pig in shit. First off, people are reading the bullshit that I write! The fact that they are getting angry about it is just the cherry on top. Second of all, I’ve had a true self-awakening. I think they’re right, I am just a confused child-free-breeder-pleaser. I’m going to accept that no one will ever knock me up and will just start punching children everywhere in the face and refuse to share my Star Trek Action figures with anyone ever again!!

Who am I kidding? No one has ever been allowed to touch my blackface captain kirk doll and no one ever will.

PS. As a bonus, I’ve taken a screen clipping of the google search terms that lead people to my blog:

Is this what success feels like?

The Finns

2011-11-09T15:39:00.001-05:00

So, the All-American Hero that runs Regretsy has been obsessed with Finland lately. I don’t really pay attention to the words she writes while crafting and drinking or whatever but yeah. It’s all about Finland and she’s planning on going there.

And as such, she has posted a bunch of pictures of Finnish Hipsters. I try to avoid completely regurgitating better people’s blogging but seriously you guys.

SERIOUSLY.

JUST LOOK.

I feel like they heard about what American hipsters are doing and then just went hog-wild with it trying to poke fun. It reminds me of the Ganguros doing their weird version of California-Girl.

From my own investigation of the original source of these pictures (Hel looks), I discovered the following “more normal” entries with descriptions of the inspirations behind the looks.

“I am dreaming of a mustard corded trouser”

“I like mixing different shades and textures of Black”

“My mother is my style icon”

But it got me thinking. Anytime I’ve ever seen fashion blogs, I am baffled regardless of the country it comes to. For example, I found these “Street Fashions” on a website for one of the fashion hotspots of North America: New York City.

I guess the only conclusion I can come to is that I don’t understand fashion at all. Whether it’s 100 miles away or 4,054 miles away, I just don’t fucking get it.

OWS

2011-10-20T13:53:00.001-04:00

If you had any doubts about the ridiculousness of Occupy Wall Street, I give you the following evidence:

Russel Brand Joins Protest in New York.

The Next Level of Furry

2011-09-25T18:25:00.001-04:00

Someone I know posted this video on my roommate’s Facebook page with the caption

I thought we agreed you wouldn't let your boyfriend out of the basement, and you certainly wouldn't let him be filmed.

Which is hilarious and all, but the video itself it pretty terrifying.

Which was supposedly a response to the new French Orangina Ad Campaign featuring CGI anthropomorphic furry strippers and golden Orangina showers.

Thanks a lot, French people. Yet another thing you have ruined for me.

But the ruining does not stop with delicious and refreshing citrus beverages, it goes further. I’m pretty sure these days that furries are actually ruining nature itself for me.

Specifically this guy. Alex Kovas is a professional fitness and fashion model who works as a “Humanimal”

Observe:

This is the 5th in a series of white tiger impersonations

Although, trying to watch this guy awkwardly try to crawl down some stairs while maintaining an air of tiger-like awesomeness is hilarious.

There’s also this one:

Someone invited this creepy furry man to their wedding as entertainment to pose around the room while the terrible wedding band rocks out to an out-of-tune version of Eye of the Tiger.

The highlights are the shots of the groom chugging wine as he realizes the horrendous taste of the woman he just married and the creeper stare this cheetah man gives a toddler.

I seriously hate everything about these videos. And there are so many more.

At this rate, I would welcome global warming and a nuclear apocalypse. Maybe if all the animals die and we are left with cockroaches nobody will have anything left to fetishize.

(Too late)

Last meals.

2011-09-22T17:36:00.001-04:00

This morning I watched the news for the first time since January. My understanding of the world as it stands:

* There’s a half-ton worth of satellite parts that are going to smash into the earth. The likelihood that it hits a residential area is low, the likelihood that it hits me specifically is even lower.

* The stock market is crashing.

* Tons of random radioactive material in Libya.

* Guns and Roses are going back on tour.

And, the one that is relevant to this post:

* A man in Georgia was executed, convicted of killing a cop, but with a lot of doubt surrounding his guilt in the crime. It’s a huge controversy I guess (I don’t pay attention to politics) and even the kids on my campus here in NY were demonstrating about it.

In other news, yesterday I went with some people to a restaurant in Poughkeepsie and ate maybe one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life.

Got me thinking. If I were to be executed, what would I choose as my last meal? Personally, I’d probably go with an arugula and heirloom tomatoes salad topped with roasted duck and a garlic vinaigrette, handmade butternut squash raviolis (or pierogis, depending on the season), steak and eggs with sofrito, and warm pecan pie with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream.

I could die right now.

Other people have similar ideas. I found a website that keeps updates on actual death row meals called Dead Man Eating. So far, I have learned that Texans are the best at picking their last meals, and they always have their last meals with milk.

Bobby Wayne Woods from TX requested:

Two chicken-fried steaks, two fried chicken breasts, three fried pork chops, two hamburgers with lettuce, tomato, onion and salad dressing, four slices of bread, half a pound of fried potatoes with onion, half a pound of onion rings with ketchup, half a pan of chocolate cake with icing and two pitchers of milk

A man called Marvellous Keene from Ohio requested:

Porterhouse steak with A-1 sauce, a pound of jumbo fried shrimp with cocktail sauce, french fries and onion rings with ketchup, dinner rolls and butter, two plums, a mango, a pound of seedless white grapes, German chocolate cake, two bottles of Pepsi and two bottles of A&W cream soda.

Good.fucking.call. that shit sounds delicious. Although I might have gotten root beer floats instead.

Robert Dale Conklin, who was executed in Georgia for brutally stabbing his gay lover to death with a screwdriver had fucking excellent taste, and prison officials said he cleaned his plates. Both of them.

Filet mignon wrapped with bacon; de-veined shrimp sautéed in garlic butter with lemon; baked potato with butter, sour cream, chives and real bacon bits; corn on the cob; asparagus with hollandaise sauce; French bread with butter; goat cheese; cantaloupe; apple pie; vanilla bean ice cream and iced tea.

Michael F. Rosales, another milk drinking Texan, asked for:

six beef enchiladas with cheese and jalapenos, one bowl of rice, one bowl of beans, diced lettuce and tomato, four pieces of fried chicken with three biscuits, one bowl of mashed potatoes, one vanilla cake with vanilla icing, one double-bacon jalapeno cheeseburger with no onions and a side of fries, one pint of sherbert, two glasses of Mountain Dew and two glasses of cold milk.

aka all of the jalapenos.

Bobby Glen Wilcher, in Mississippi kept it classy and simple and only requested a conjugal visit with one of the female jurors who convicted him of stabbing two women 46 times. When denied, he asked for a fried shrimp, a raw onion, and two 32oz strawberry milkshakes. He should have ordered her covered in chocolate. Maybe they would have complied.

Are there rules about dessert not being a meal?

Some short and sweet ones (if strange combinations):

A Texas man only wanted spam and cheese and three bananas.
Another texan asked for six chili cheese enchiladas, a cheese pizza, and a cheeseburger. Another ordered six orders of jalapeno nachos with chili cheese.
An Oklahoma man asked for a bucket of KFC plus 8 additional drumsticks and a chocolate milk.

Just bring me the chickens, cut out the middle man.

A few final thoughts. Death Row Inmates who don't request final meals are fools, and if you can avoid it, never get the death sentence in Oklahoma because they limit you to $15 and like a 10 mile radius. Fucking cruel and unusual punishment if I ever heard it.

Martin Kessman

2011-09-19T16:03:00.001-04:00

So, there’s this fat guy.

He ate so much White Castle that he gained so much weight that he can no longer fit into the booths at White Castle.

So, He’s suing them. He’s suing them for discrimination against his disability, and also because when he wrote them letters they responded with free coupons that did not include the cheese.

Not only that, but now he is a true victim.

‘I did not want to set foot into the store,’ he said. ‘Any subsequent trips to the store have been made by my wife - I have been like an outcast.’

But my very favorite part is that:

A White Castle spokesman told the New York Post that Mr Kessman could have asked a store manager for a regular chair.

WOMP WOMP.

Never thought this day would come.

2011-09-14T13:55:00.000-04:00

So, I am generally not a huge fan of memes and macros and lolcats and i can have cheeseburger and whatever it is that the yellowtags of the internet are super into these days, but I’ve stumbled on a stash of ridiculously amazing ones so I’m going to suspend my general disdain for the media and share with you these magical pieces of artwork that mine eyes have seen.

This one right here that literally made me choke on the food I was eating:

Here’s some other amazing ones, in no particular order:

This one seriously killlllllled meeeeeee. It is the perfect example of why I am going straight to hell.

Long, but worth it:

Here’s two really amazing ones about animals:

And we’re done.

PLEASE JUSTIN

2011-09-13T17:19:00.001-04:00

My attentions have recently turned back to the original wack-haired child-singer Justin.

All day I’ve been listening to Justin Timberlake, because you know what? Justified and FutureSex/LoveSounds are goddamned great albums. It occurred to me that he hasnt done anything new in awhile and he probably should, so to quell my appetite for this Dancing Champion Tenor, I was youtubing some vidyas.

I discovered that there are others out there who share my concern and have put together a plea for Justin Timberlake to return to music.

NEVER FORGET

2011-09-12T01:11:00.000-04:00

So, I've been pretty quiet about the whole 10th anniversary of 9-11 thing, in both my online life and in the real world (except, of course, for a quick tweet of this picture).

I've heard a few fun re-hashings of the "Inside Job" conspiracy, listened to a couple stories about where people were when they heard about the towers, and when a few people on twitter retweeted this New York Post tweet, I went ahead and gave a look.

The photograph is both beautiful and awe-inspiring. But not everyone in the peanut gallery felt that way.

Realtor Cindy has something to say about respect and class:

BUGS IN THE SKY??? DISGUSTING. THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.

She also has opinions on weiners.

We can all learn a few things about America and Respect from this woman.

The Strangest Fanart

2011-09-11T13:50:00.000-04:00

Or as I like to call it F’Art. HA.

Honestly, I dont think this one is too out of line:

This is slightly nauseating:

This right here is KATHY GRIFFIN fanart where she is crossed with DUMBLEDORE. :

Some kind of terrifying anthropomorhpised pony.

Aaaaaaand SAILOR BUTTER DEEN

Last but not least, I have Abraham Link-oln.

How does this shit even enter into people’s heads?

Something’s got a hold on my heart

2011-09-09T12:30:00.001-04:00

Regretsy is uncontested as one of the best and snarkiest websites ever. Recently, my personal hero April aka Helen Killer discovered a man called Dancing Dror:

Who will, on request, wear Disney underwear while dancing for you.

Why dont I let him explain?

She commissioned a few things from him, but his orders have swarmed in since then (170 orders in 2 days!).

Here’s an example:

Turd Ferguson

And honestly, I thought that she had topped herself for a little while, because that was so amazing.

But then she posted Interpretive Ivan, the challanger!

…who might have the most awkwardly shaped human body I have ever seen in my entire internet career.

Just so you don’t shit on me too much for pretty much regurgitating a Regretsy post, I’m gonna find more videos of dancing wonders out there and bring them to you:

Here’s Ellen DeGeneres channeling some PeeWee Herman:

This is actually an instructional video on how to do an awkward dance.

Not gonna lie, I might have to practice these for the next wedding I go to.

I would do anything for love, but I wont share my fucking spray paint with Gary Busey

2011-09-02T22:07:00.001-04:00

I seriously need to start watching the Celebrity Apprentice.

Cracked just did an article about bizarre celebrity outbursts, but this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.

Quick recap: While doing some kind of art project, Meatloaf loses his bag of markers and FLIPS HIS FUCKING SHIT on Gary Busey for apparently no reason. Mark McGrath and FUCKING LIL JOHN are trying to hold him back while repeating “Meat.. Meat…” in an effort to calm him down.

MEATLOAF, THINK OF THE SICK CHILDREN IN MEMPHIS.

ABSOLUTE HOT SISTER.

2011-08-14T22:15:00.001-04:00

You guys.

You guys… I think I’ve finally first-hand found something on the internet that deeply frightens me.

Most of the time when I am exposed internet train wrecks (Chris-Chan, Two Worlds, Donkey Ote) it is presented to me in an obvious “look at this fucked up shit” kind of manner. I have the luxury of mentally preparing myself for some ridiculous and terrifying nonsense. This time, however, I was not so lucky. When you discover these things for yourself, the horror creeps up on you real slow. Starts out with a simple little “What the…?” and eventually you are completely paralyzed by the horror that you just uncovered.

I found a webcomic called Absolute Hot Sister.

From what I can tell, this is a journal comic written by a mentally handicapped non-English speaker who calls himself Yus who is in love with his sister.

Kevin is surprised one day by a hot redhead who is somehow moving in with him. He has no idea it is his long-lost sister Ellen(5 years is a long time…?) and immediately tries to make out with her.

The rest of the comic pretty much oscillates between him trying to impress the sex goddess in his house,

She wears mini-skirts and cares about film. HOW CAN HE RESIST?

She also kicks massive amounts of ass while revealing as much of an upskirt view as possible.

and villainizing her for tempting him with her evil seductive ways.

OMG DONT TOUCH ME

How is he supposed to get any reading done if he has to watch her sleep all the time?

One of the clues to the lack of mental stability, is that whenever he’ll try to make out with her or look down her shirt or rub his dick on her when she’s sleeping she is very quick to forgive. She also has to drive him around, talk to other people for him, and protect him when they go out into the world. She also constantly tells him that his horrible social failures are “nothing to be ashamed of.” Lusting after your sister? NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

He also likes to write “Diary Entries” from his sister’s point of view.

I read an article about why woman wear a mini skirt, it said wearing mini skirt will certainly catch the attention.

For me; I just love it. I feel good with it as I am comfortable with my body. I know that mini skirt may not be for everyone and usually woman wear it only for certain occasion. But for me, I love to wear it everywhere I go.

However, one thing that I learn from that article is that you should carefully the type of the skirt and pairs it up with the right clothes or accessories, so that I don’t appear cheap with it.

But really, the most horrifying thing on this website is the comments that this shit gets. Most are encouragement and agreement.

Good luck banging your sister, bro!

But the worst is the jealousy.

Somehow, with a name like incestman I am not surprised.

He’s got a sockpuppet “Ellen” account that pops up every once in awhile.

OH GOOD. It’s not incest. Not that it matters.

Oh, there’s also the part where he hooks up with a tranny. I’ll let you find that on your own.

Enjoy. I’m going to go puke. Literally, and in real life.

URGENT NEWS UPDATE

2011-08-02T14:02:00.001-04:00

I was looking through my friend Kat’s vacation photos on ye olde Facebook and came across this image right here:

I was slightly confused (but not too confused, knowing Kat) so I did a little research into what in the hell she was doing.

As it turns out, there’s this new photo-meme game thingy sweeping the planet called Planking. For completely inexplicable reasons, it is one of the best and funniest things I have ever seen on the entire internet.

Planking or the lying down game is an activity consisting of lying face down in an unusual or incongruous location. The hands must touch the sides of the body and having a photograph of the participant taken and posted on the internet is an integral part of the game.

In Australasia they call it “EXTREME LYING DOWN.” In the US and Ireland they are beginning to call it “Facedowns” The official slogan of the movement is:

You got a body, you got a plank.

Supposedly it was invented in 1994 by Tom Green but it has since taken off in Australia and New Zealand, and then THE WORLD. Here are some seriously amazing planking photos that I discovered:

Like Kat, these two took the planking-on-animals route.

But anything extreme is fine. The best part about planking is that it can be done anytime, anywhere!

The craze has even spread to Hollywood!! Not only has Rosario Dawson gotten in on it, but so has THE BIEBS!

Rosario:

BIEBS:

Someone told me that this is actually a young Norwegian boy on a dead shark,and I am unsure on whether or not that is better than Bieber planking a whale.

Bieber has, of course, been called out for his ignorance in promoting Planking because it’s super duper dangerous. Which brings me to my favorite part of any good meme:

The !!!!!

Planking is terrible and offensive to some. Why?

Well, some Australian kid died trying to plank on a 7th story balcony, and people are being fired from their jobs all over the world for planking.

Not only that, but now XZIBIT, the unwilling King of the Internet Meme, has thrown his two cents in.

AND THEN he compared planking to SLAVE TRADING. SLAVE. TRADING. This could not be more ridiculous in my wildest dreams. They actually brought a slave trade historian in to refute Xzibit’s claim. In conclusion, planking is surprisingly not racist.

So, I guess the moral of this story is that if you are going to participate in Extreme Lying Down, you should maintain every effort to do it safely.

Knowledge of this fetish is brought to you by….

2011-07-25T16:17:00.001-04:00

Craigslist. Surprised?

One of my favorite hobbies when I am bored and trying to avoid being productive is to wander around my local craigslist personals and try and see if anyone I know in real life is trying to use ‘The List’ to get laid.

Currently, in my particular town, there is an incredibly verbose 27 year old who demands intelligence and says “No dykes” and a guy who would like to use your shower and drink your whiskey, possibly in exchange for some facefucking.

A/S/L?

Expanding my search to the surrounding towns, I found the usual suspects “CAN ANY1 SPARE SOME COCK FOR ME 2 SUCK????” and “R there any young cock in town need draining?” and, you know “Looking for a hiking buddy.” but then I noticed a really interesting trend, that I was not expecting.

Oh… ew.

But, I guess it’s ok because he’s cute, right?

It’s not too strange, as far as fetishes go I guess. And, to give him credit, spit is probably the least offensive bodily fluid that one might wish to gargle. The phlegm and snot is a little much though… *hurk*

But then it starts to get even creepier. The desperation sets in.

And Finally, after two months of (I can only assume) no responses, he decides to offer money for spit.

Although, I could almost always use $50, I think I’m gonna have to go with this other local ad I found.

It seems less weird, somehow.

Quote of the day!

2011-07-12T15:44:00.001-04:00

"When [the book] had a doctor have sex with a patient he had just sewn back together in the emergency room of the hospital at the beginning of the book, I almost quit reading."

Almost.

If I ever have kids…

2011-07-08T12:22:00.001-04:00

I want them to be like this kid.

THE BEST thing is how awkward those girls in the background are. I want to adopt this kid SO. BAD.

Speaking of adorable children, look at these two boys working together so good. Asdkghsdlkjghsdlkfgj

I don’t like this at ALL.

2011-06-21T12:03:00.001-04:00

I dont know what these pictures are, but I am terrified (stolen from regretsy).

UGH YOU CAN BUY THEM. UGH.

Just kill me now, I don't want to be alive in a world like this.

Anime on Anime

2011-06-13T17:57:00.001-04:00

Here is an anime video discussing the pros and cons of animes and their place in pornography

YOU DONT JUST STRIP HER YOU SCREW HER

HERE THERE BE DRAGONS

2011-05-29T21:50:00.001-04:00

Because we keep the damn blacks and whites (and asians) out.

Also,

Religion is a pathetic religion, just like any other religion

Today is a sad day.

2011-05-13T16:03:00.001-04:00

I was reading through one of my favorite sites, Fandom Secrets and came across this fan secret:

My heart just broke.

I never thought the day would come when one of these secrets actually touched my soul.

In other news, look at these catches-of-the-day I’ve got for you:

And this:

This last one? Stephen Colbert in drag.

Yeah ok.

2011-05-12T14:05:00.000-04:00

I’d watch this.

It looks pretty well made NGL.
But I cant imagine that these aren't all done as a joke. For example, there’s The Flinstones A XXX Parody and they even went so far as to make a ROSEANNE porn parody.
Who wants to see Roseanne porn!? I understand Rule #34 and all… but seriously, who is that into it that they’re fronting all this production money?
Shit they’ve got all the network television bases covered: Big Bang Theory (laugh track included), Who’s The Boss, Seinfeld (NO PORN FOR YOU), Friends, Cheers, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, Scrubs.
I think the top two are definitely The Office and 30 Rock porn parodies:

New Sensations is the greatest porn production company ever. Or possibly one of Tina Fey’s secret projects. Either way, goddamned hilarious.

EDIT: COVER YOUR EYES CHILDREN:

GOLDEN GIRLS: A XXX MILF PARODY.

Try to explain this

2011-05-01T19:12:00.001-04:00

The whole series is ridiculous.

OKStupid

2011-04-18T20:42:00.001-04:00

So, It’s been a long while since I did one of the OKCupid posts. Admittedly, I’ve been looking around on the site for slightly more serious reasons until I realized that everyone on there pretty much sucks. The statistical personality testing magicians over there seriously have no idea how judgmental and shallow I actually am. So, we go back to searching for people and finding my internet-defined arch nemeses.

First, Renaissance Faire denizens:

We have MetaphoreOne with a 54% enemy rating:

Who seems to think he’ll catch the ladies using his only picture as a mildly offensive and effeminate character in a cheap minstrel show. Cool!

You are my FLOWER ... I am your BUTTERFLY ... I desire to POLLINATE you ONLY ... I will NOURISH you as you SLOWLY UN-FOLD ... I will caress you GENTLY as you FULLY BLOSSOM ... Your nurturing MILK will nourish me as your only BUTTERFLY ...

Also, his favorite television shows are the Twilight Zone, Star Trek, and All In The Family. The more I read, the more this guy reminds me of the Peter Pan guy.

Fortunately for me, Sluttymom4u is only a 51% enemy rating, and is also bisexual (and also slutty, her name leads me to believe):

Ok her profile is obviously a joke beyond those things, but it’s amazing:

My favorite activities are cream corn wrestling and seeing how many old style can I can crush on my forehead before accidentally making out with my cousin.

and

On a typical Friday Night I am: masturbating to the Beatles and creeping around in my neighbors windows

And now there’s JohnStak. I dont need to say anything about him because seriously he used this pic for his dating profile:

But you should also know that he fancies himself a philosopher:

You should message me if: Freud was married and had something like six kids, when his fellow psychologists were introduced to his innovative ideas. They denounced his work, and in his misery he wrote: "I have never been so alone"
That's a mighty lesson in romance, even though it was not intended to be.

I was almost about to give up on the renfaire hunt, but then I discovered an entire nest of them! a lot of people are describing themselves as “renaissance men/women” and it’s throwing off my results. But here are the people I was looking for in the first place:

This is fourlegs:

while the identifier term bi poly pagan geek doesn't completely accurately describe me, at the same time it isn't that far off the mark either. I have interests in naturism/nudism and have been a part of the bdsm community to some degree for several years (I am a switch if your curious).

Ooh, and double whammy, he also links to his poly girlfriend Kiarapanther’s site as well.

She’s a furry. She is also unemployed, and enjoys ice cream, MMORPGS, hockey, knitting, karaoke, and going to furry/comic/nerd conventions.

Match made in heavennnnn

Now for SirShiny:

Believe it or not I am actually a nerd. I spent most of my time painting figurines and hanging out at hobby shops.

And, Last but not least, Yajuta3.

He likes singing, archery, historical reenacting, costumes, and talking incessantly about zombies for like 50% of his profile.

Pro-tip gentlemen: If your answer to the question “What is the first thing people notice about you” is ever “My hair”

YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

Childfree

2011-04-18T19:41:00.001-04:00

I was just reading through old drafts and I wrote this one up several months ago and I figured I might as well post it, so herrreeee you goooo:

I really don't understand the phenomenon of the Childfree attitude. Mainly the part about disliking children. The thing is, I like kids and I don't really want to have any of my own but I still like them. You know why? BECAUSE I WAS ONE. How can you hate something that you once were? And it’s not like being a child was a bad choice you made one time in college after too many tequilas. It’s like scoffing at people who have had grandparents.

I think the most ridiculous aspect of the Childfree movement is that they believe they are social outcasts and need support groups because of how they are ostracized for spiteful behavior that defies all biological impulses and removes you from possibly your only reason for existence.

My thoughts are that they just don't want to share their toys.

First off, there’s the Childfree Ghetto and these are my favorite quotes:

Be "green," don't be "green," have kids, don't have kids, it's your choice. However, do NOT claim to be environmentalist in ANY way when you have children.

Because wanting to sustain a healthy planet for future generations has nothing to do with having future generations.

Even on those days when I feel like life sucks, I tell myself, "At least I don't have kids to support or look after or fight with someone about."…I know a lot of people who cope to varying degrees with parenthood, but nobody who actually enjoys it.

I know right? AT LEAST IM NOT ONE OF THOSE SUCKERS.

I don't care how many kids you have, or how tired they are, or how tired you are. If I got to the gate an hour ago to get my boarding pass, I deserve to board ahead of you. Plain and simple. If you're disabled, or ill, or elderly, then I have no problem letting you board ahead of me because you aren't as robust as I am and you need to be seated more quickly, or have special seating arrangements.

Because it isn't ageism when you make special exceptions for the elderly, but FUCKING KIDS ARE SO SPOILED ARRGHAGHGAGH CROTCH DROPPINGS

Abandon your babies, Japan. Do it for the children!

And then there’s the Childfree Clique,

which is (I assume) One woman (the childfree chick)’s crazy rambling about how lonely she is and rants about her friends being so stupid as to get married and find children:

…As someone who's just recently been through the drama of watching a close friend have a baby and then morph into an undesirable…

Then, in dissing one of these women who naturally decides to have children, she inevitably describes herself as well:

a new woman joined our social circle. She's 32, from the same state I'm from and new to AZ, lives very near to my neighborhood, is a vegetarian (just like me), is completely non-religious (hello, ME!) is childless but has a dog she considers to be her child (yup, me again), is professional and career driven...and is basically, in a nutshell, a mirror image of me personality wise.

The problem?
She wants babies.
Fuckitty fucking motherfuck gawddamnitalltohell.

It is, actually. Death is a biological result of life.

Both of these women sound completely insufferable. She regularly refers to stay at home moms as “unemployed stupid Mombies” (which I’m sure she’s totally proud of herself for inventing), and she shits on some parents for having crying children in a movie theater after admitting that she was also openly sobbing during the same movie.

Basically, any militantly anti-anything movements make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Especially when they are such totally normal things that exist in the world. I would probably go ahead and lump these child-free people in with straight xXx punk rawkers and angry anti-theists.

Because vaguely believing in a higher power, having a glass of wine with dinner, and wanting to start your own family someday makes you a disgusting and horrible human being.

Imgur Picspam

2011-04-14T00:56:00.001-04:00

So, I just used the built-in digsby twitter thingie to upload a picture from my computer to supplement a very important tweet about how hot Jack Davenport is.

Very important.

It uses a very simple uploading site called imgur that allows you to scan through other images people have uploaded. It seems to be mostly used by redditters and 4chan people, but I’ve been scanning through the recent uploads for the last 20 minutes and I’ve seen some things I want to share.

This one is titled “The Only Way To Play Grand Theft Auto”

Don’t remember how you got a $2,500 bar tab? This will help you remember:

This one requires no words:

I would buy this off etsy in a hearbeat:

And last but not least:

Unicorn Love Affair

2011-04-06T14:21:00.001-04:00

I feel bad for Sara Silverman sometimes. Her love life has been plastered all over the internet (remember “I’m Fucking Matt Damon?”) and now her tumultuous relationship with the Serenading Unicorn is all out there for everyone to see.

I’m glad they could work it out, but I think I know who that text message was from…

That bitch Ke$ha made a video about her fetish for Unicorn lovers. Has she no shame?

To be fair, as much as I dislike Ke$ha. this video owns. James Van Der Beek is amaaaazing.

And since we’re on the topic of sexy unicorns, I’m gonna have to dust off this pic right here:

I would also like to mention that you can find some weird ass shit on the internet when you type “sexy unicorn man” into Google image search. You guys wouldn't believe how many times I’ve had to bleach out my eyeballs and drink myself to sleep to maintain my sanity while keeping the integrity of this blog.

That’s just a little taste of what’s out there. Momma sacrifices for you.

My Drunk Kitchen

2011-04-06T13:18:00.001-04:00

I’ve been really into home kitchen shows on youtube lately.

But I think this is my favorite one ever. She is definitely playing up the silliness a little bit for the camera, but I am sure she would be a hell of a fun drinking buddy.

UM YES

2011-04-05T11:21:00.001-04:00

Aint Gonna Pee-Pee My Bed Tonight

2011-03-26T11:18:00.001-04:00

I can get behind this statement. That kid is so fucking serious about this.

WE-OH

2011-03-21T21:38:00.001-04:00

OMG.

Cannot unsee.

2011-03-20T17:55:00.001-04:00

VIDEO OVERLOAD

2011-03-16T14:18:00.001-04:00

1. HOT SALSA DOG

2. What do you get when you cross Blink 182, Ozzy Osbourne, and Justin Bieber?

OZZY GETTING STABBED BY A MOB OF 12 YEAR OLDS.

3. This is what all the customers at my job are like during the holiday season:

4. Laughing babies are the BEST.

5. This is the sexiest thing in the universe.

6. OH MY GOD.

This guy is doing an impression of Chloe Sevigny. I didn’t know until just now HOW STRANGE she is, Was she homeschooled or something? Did she grow up in Woodstock? I want him to get all of her jobs from now on.

7. I know I’m late to all the memes, but I know that some of y’all are even more behind than me and it makes me not feel so bad.

This is Thom Yorke (from Radiohead) dancing to “Pony” by Ginuwine.

There’s other remixes of this dance video including Whip My Hair, Single Ladies, and Slayer.

8. Um, check this shit out from Thailand’s Got Talent:

Work it, Kathoei. Keep deceiving please.

9. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost recreate a scene from Star Wars

I love them.

10. Aaaaand I know we’re supposed to be nice to Asian people right now because of the Tsunami and their impending nuclear fallout (and eventual waking of Mothra). And that girl from UCLA was being all racist and stuff. But all that aside, look at this ridiculous jiggly naked one:

Yesterday was Thursday, we so excited.

2011-03-14T10:41:00.001-04:00

What the hell is this fuckery?

This poor girl, this is like in American Idol when the judges start screaming at the parents for encouraging them and allowing it to get this far.

This guy took it even further with his cover, ' target=_blank>and it’s pretty amazing.

STRICT NO FARTING POLICY

2011-02-23T10:54:00.001-05:00

I work for the Marine Corps. At work I hear farts, burping, rude comments and they swear more than me! LOL

I am not a believer in passing gas where it will effect (or is it affect?) other people. I’m a person that believes it should be done in the restroom or outdoors. There is a strict no farting rule in my house (unless accidents happen).

It’s nothing you should have been fired for but in the real world there are unwritten rules that you have to abide by, like it or not. If they want to pay you to walk to the restroom….you just got paid to pass gas. That should make you feel better.

And then the response “Somebody has a ‘strict no-farting rule’ in their house? I suppose you make everyone go visit the neighbors if they have diarrhea, too.”

Ummmm, if they had the runs they would be doing it in the restroom, yes? So that isn’t the issue.

If they had the runs and did it on my couch, they better hope they can even make it to the neighbors.

One has nothing to do with the other. Yes, my rules on “stepping on frogs/gas/farting” is how I want my house to be. I don’t appreciate it. I don’t want to smell it. I don’t want to hear the inevitable “Oh, man! I SHARTED!” that comes with freely passing gas.

You can have your house rules and blow farts into your cushions all you want but in my house….NOPE.

And the response to that?

The only rule in my house is don’t drag your boobs through the food when reaching across the table.

Good morning, everyone!

Basically the greatest thing

2011-02-19T21:28:00.001-05:00

Someone redid the TNG episode about the addictive game that takes over the Enterprise where the game is actually Angry Birds.

According to Urlesque:

If your friends all own iPhones, it'll basically just seem like your real life.

It’s so true.

Lets talk about Katy Perry for a minute

2011-02-17T18:20:00.001-05:00

Ok lets talk about Katy Perry for a little bit, I have some things I want to say.

My opinion on her has largely been that she’s some kind of cheap Lilly Allen/Zooey Deschenel wannabe who’s a thousand times more prepared to sell her body for a little fame. I wont deny that she’s got a bangin body, and I won’t even say that selling your body for fame is all that bad. To each his own, you know?

I just don’t like her music and I’m suspicious that she might actually be mentally handicapped, and this all might be some kind of hilarious Arrested Development style mixup.

Exhibits A, B, and C, your Honor

She’s a daughter of two pastors who is trying to be edgy by lying about kissing a woman for male attention in “I Kissed A Girl”, and calling out loser guys she’s dated in her song “Ur So Gay” She’s offending naive homophobes and real life homosexuals alike. It’s not even offensive enough to be shocking, like when a 14 year old girl confides in you that she let her boyfriend touch her boob and they split a wine cooler. She also stated:

'I Kissed A Girl' is just a way for me to seem edgy and cool, I think it worked.

In reference to “Ur So Gay” she says:

"Umm… Well, it is just a saying. It's like calling someone a 'biiitch.' You're like, 'Hey, biiitch!' It just felt appropriate."

and

"My closest friends happen to be gay..."

Which sounds like the time-old I-cant-be-racist argument of “I know a black guy”

But I have to say, my favorite quote of hers ever in the history of the entire universe is:

"My music makes pop-music cool again."

Miley knows.

There’s far more evidence of why I think she shouldnt be allowed outside without a caretaker. I’m just gonna do bullet points:

She married RUSSELL BRAND. He is the WORST HUMAN BEING.
She named her cat “KITTY PURRY”
Her new US tour is going to involve SMELL-O-VISION
SHE MARRIED RUSSELL BRAND.

So, yeah. I basically just wrote her off. And I was a moment’s hesitation from writing off Snoop Dog for appearing in her goddamned awful trash of a music video for California Girls. Snoop, you let me down.

But the other day, my friend sent me her video for Peacock and I thought it was actually pretty great. She looks cute in it!

OBVIOUSLY I AM JOKING. This video is totally great though.

But… I dont actually hate this song as much as the others. It feels like she HAS to know how dumb it is, and she’s embraced it. I wondered to myself what the actual music video for the song is like, and I found it here:

And honestly, it’s just about as silly. I also like that it’s not actually her in the video at all and I don't have to look at her stupid face.

She said about this song:

I’m hoping it will be a gay-pride anthem, Peacocks represent a lot of individuality.... It’s not just like, 'I wanna see your bulge. It does have the word cock in it, but art is also in fart! It’s all in how you look at it.

Ahahahahahahaha. And a reviewer of the song said “I would also place money on “Peacock” never seeing the light of day, primarily because it’s a terrible song with a double entendre so blunt it would make Ke$ha blush but also because it doesn’t exactly flatter Ms. Perry the lyricist (I’m almost 100% certain “cock” cannot rhyme with “biotch” or “payoff,” ever).”

In conclusion, I have grown a small iota of respect for Ms. Perry because she has clearly crossed the coveted barrier between plain old “Terrible” and “So-Terrible-It’s-Actually-Awesome.” I salute you Katy.

I think she is saluting me back. I can’t tell.

A Woman’s Burden

2011-02-17T11:33:00.001-05:00

It’s hard to be an attractive woman sometimes. You get guys creeping on you all the time, and lesser females hating on you (I know, I am one of the hateful lesser-females).

The only people actually looking out for you are your daddy, the fashion industry (who still tells you you’re too fat), and the “nice guy” that you put on the friend-shelf ages ago.

This girl has an excellent guide on how to deal with unwanted attention:

She’s the one who did the makeup tutorial on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. I adore this girl.

Another problem that hot women have is everyone staring at their asses when they’re walking by. This is a problem because, you know. Attention is bad? Also maybe you could cause arguments? I’m not sure really.

But this super hot woman put a camera on her butt and filmed people taking peeks. It’s pretty awesome.

Also, the upset looking woman at 0:49 who just stares is pure gold.

You should be Dancing, yeah.

2011-02-10T16:28:00.001-05:00

If you’re in the mood for dancing, this is the post for you!

I guess for the Super Bowl there was some sort of touchdown dance contest where this guy won with this amazingly expressive dance.

I am a huge fan. I love people who dance like goofy motherfuckers and this is perfect.

If you’re not into touch-down dances and are more into touching yourself while thinking about Harry Potter characters, this video is probably more up to your speed:

And, of course, if you’re into Rihanna, Ryan Gosling, or orphans from the Congo then this video is the one for you:

Last but not least, you guys know about the etch-a-sketch dance, right?

Oh, Dale.

2011-02-03T00:36:00.001-05:00

You have to understand that as a Jewish person my brain is engrained against tattoos. Not because of any social hammering from religious authorities. I don't have years of rabbis telling me tattoos are evil. Maybe my mother told me once that my grandmother thought "only gypsies got tattoos" but that is it.

That being said, tattoos are forbidden in Judaism and this is one of those laws that many Jews feel culturally and psychologically compelled to follow even as other laws fall by the wayside. We are largely secular, no longer follow the dietary laws, etc but for some reason many Jews seem to feel that the concept of getting tattoos goes against their culture and background.

Once I saw a kid bragging about his Star of David tattoo and I just thought he was an idiot.

I'm not why the taboo against tattoos has remained so strong even in among many American Jews who were probably not hammered with an anti-tattoo message. Perhaps it is because of forced tattooing during the holocaust and getting them now seems to be a distasteful sign of disrespect for the victims of the Holocaust. But in my mind tattoos are a direct contradiction of my Jewish background and ethnicity.

This does not prevent others from getting tattoos but does in my mind create a strong bias against them being cool, or edgy, or worthy of being called art.

Facts:

* Leviticus says “Do not cut your bodies for the dead nor print any marks upon you.” Looking at this in a strict translation could include a ban of ear piercings. A more reasonable interpretation could just mean that there should not be any specific markings to identify the chosen people.

* Refusing to bury someone in a cemetery is a violation of the practice of giving honor to the dead, it might be held up in particular orthodox sects but is not a religious tenet.

*You cannot say that your “Jewish Brain is engrained” with this knowledge and then immediately say that you are not affected by religious upbringing.

* You are an idiot and cannot possibly think you could represent and explain the standpoint of all the Jewish people ever.

* Tattoos, like smoking, make you cool.

Hangover

2011-02-02T23:30:00.001-05:00

I think this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen

That guy looks like he’s about to explode with his awkward need for your approval of his also-awkward and gargantuan muscles. I don't know who’s video this actually is, and which one of these two weirdos is featuring the other but I can’t understand the thought process that brought them to this decision to make this shit at all.

The male dancer behind him is like a thousand times hotter.

Edit: Funfact. Someone on the internet has informed me that this man is actually a gay porn star.

Speaking of dudes that look weird…

This dude is a more convincing chick than Keira Knightley.

New Kids

2011-01-18T14:56:00.001-05:00

I just started checking out the website Videogum, and I gotta tell you guys, it’s pretty excellent.

I was checking it out today and I found the best thing to come out of Holland since Bear Force 1 and ecstasy.

They’re called the New Kids.

The guy over on Videogum calls them fake novelty music, and the “Die Antwoord of Holland” Which is all fine by me. We all know that I have an allergic reaction to musical and artistic integrity.

The video consists of car chases, eating fried food, shotgunning beers, flame throwers and yelling. It’s like Run Ronnie Run crossed with Crank. Also they all have mullets.

Admittedly, the song sucks but the video is a piece of dirty rednecky art.

Lets take one more look at this guy, because he has the best mullet/eyebrow/stache combination I’ve seen on a living human being:

YES. This snow day is going to be AWESOME.

F*ck Y'’all

2011-01-14T10:47:00.001-05:00

I woke up on the wrong side of the hate porch this morning. Something someone said on the internet made me real mad so I feel like today I’m going to be trying to cheer myself up, and it’s going to be a good day for The Internet is Horrible. Why don't you settle back and enjoy my self-therapy?

First, we have a video of Cee-Lo’s “Fuck You” in sign language:

I love sign language. I have always felt that it is the sassiest language ever. If I didnt suck horribly at learning other languages AND hand-eye coordination I would be totally into learning it.

This one is way more confusing. But as I watch it, I feel the bafflement and amazement wash over me and all feels right again. This is about the Song Poem movement. I guess you write some poems and send them in for someone to turn into a song. There’s a documentary out there somewhere and I’m going to be ALL OVER IT.

Whet your appetites with this:

This is exactly how I like my internet. Ridiculous and without need for explanation.

For a deeper level of fascination and artistry, check out how many quarters this guy can put in his belly button roll:

The best part is when he’s digging them out at the end. Yess.

I’m starting to feel like I can begin my day on the right foot. Thanks guys!

Hal-e Hal-e-lujah

2011-01-07T11:41:00.002-05:00

So I guess this hardcore Xtian Hitmaker decided to run with Taio Cruz’s song “Dynamite" and rewrite the words for Jesus and auto tune herself so it was ‘cool’

I cant really figure out how she put in the effort to auto-tune it without putting the five seconds of extra effort to… match her pitch or get the timing right.
Gonna go ahead and give it three stars out of ten.
It fell far behind “I throw my Latkes in the air sometimes” and even fell short of being as funny as “Christian Side-Hug”

I'm sorry Xtian Hitmaker, you have failed in both making your faith seem cool and in religious-themed Dynamite song covers. Better luck next time.

Videogames > Women

2011-01-06T15:25:00.001-05:00

So you're working out and getting buff so you are strong to do what?

"Getting women" as if they are objects to do what? Fuck them and forget about it? Some life. "Getting women" improves your social status amongst those who hi-five people for being "playa"s. Who gives a damn about being more social amongst those vapid wastes of food and employment?

Video games are a great way to have fun, and enjoy things that are availible to you in life. Not only this, but the making of a game is an art form - by playing through, say, an RPG, you are treated to a grand story that is just overwhelmingly more fufilling than going out, fucking some chick, hi-fiving yourself and calling it a night.

You get the benefit of enjoying an experience that billions of people haven't already done to death. You get the benefit of enjoying an art form. Notice here that I am not approaching games as some h4rdc0r3 EL THREE THREE TEE jerk - I'm going about it in ways much like a movie buff would appreciate film. For tangible benefits, in competitive games, you are constantly pushed to not only complete a task, but learn to do it better and better. You learn to be quick on your feet, smart, and precise.

Oh, and popular television gives you a point of conversation with the lowest common denominator of people. And we all know that mediocrity is something to strive for, am I right?

Premise:

Working out is only for getting women.

People have been “getting women for centuries” and it’s been done to death.

Video games are unique and enriching experiences.

People who leave their homes and socialize are wastes of food and employment.

Therefore, stay inside all day alone with anime girls. QED.

You Got Fiddled

2011-01-05T12:24:00.001-05:00

I almost forgot about this. Someone pulled this up at a party was at and it’s one of the most magical things I’ve ever seen.

Fiddler on the Roof/ You got Served mash-up.

It is glorious.

The Queen of Ebay

2011-01-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

This morning, the internet alerted me to an exciting and wonderful blog called Girls of Ebay. It is basically a cross between People of Walmart and Regretsy.

The idea is that when everyone becomes their own business owner, salesperson, and advertiser they also become their own model.

It’s both wonderful and fascinating. I have already subscribed to their RSS feed and you might want to do so as well. Rather than talk about all of the magic they have uncovered, I’m going to cut right to the chase and talk about AngelatheMuse.

She has been featured heavily on Girls of Ebay and went from being Ms. December to winning 2010 Girl of the Year!

And this is why:

View Full Album

Something about the combination of the horrible clothes and the awkward poses and the TEEF and the strange vacant expression on her face… I am mesmerized but also pretty much convinced that she is a living zombie.

Somehow both more lifelike, and with less offensive teeth.

As it turns out, surprisingly to me especially, she is a Professional Model.

Which does nothing for the fact that she maybe shouldn't look like an undead person with some kind of a fugitive dental situation.

That said, some of the photography is actually very well done, and after reading her biography I’m starting to feel kind of like an asshole for shitting on her dream and her spirit.

From her bio:

All my life I had always wanted to model,had wanted to prove that all the people that called me ugly over the years were wrong and during a personal bumpy road in my life,was told that I should get into modeling. And,so with much passion,I did. And,it was not an easy task because even in modeling I had started off with not a lot of people believing in me and I was heavily criticized or ignored.

Ok there’s a lot of commas and whining and self-importance going on, but still yeah ok good for you. You’re an ugly duckling that has turned awkwardness into some attention and I guess it’s going well. Good on you, Angela the Muse.

View Full Album

But seriously please close your mouth more often.

Two things that are terrifying

2011-01-03T13:08:00.001-05:00

One, is Muppets with People Eyes, a new Tumblr page that has started up. It’s no more complicated than it’s title, its just Muppets that have real people’s eyes photoshopped on.

It’s so simple… but SO MINDBENDINGLY TERRIFYING.

Go ahead and click on that link up there if you want to see the rest of the gallery. Ugh I hate them all they are the worrrst.

And the second thing, is this guy right here.

I dont know what it is about Japan and people obsessed with Japan that frightens me to the depths of my soul, but hopefully this video will help you understand my fear:

This is some old man who (according to urlesque)…

…like a dad you'd see at a Phish concert. But because this is the modern world, he's been allowed to choose what culture to identify with, and he has chosen J-pop.

He said he feels like his soul is Japanese. He should probably know that Japanese People dont actually have Souls.

He’s obsessed with this band called Perfume comprised of three tiny Japanese girls, whom he has been following rabidly since they were 15.

This is all absolutely terrifying. Check out his YouTube channel for literally ENDLESS videos of creepiness.

Cant Stop the Pop

2010-12-30T13:38:00.001-05:00

Willow Smith has taken over the ice-skating world as well.

SHE CAN DO ANYTHING.

(fyi, I know this isnt Willow Smith, this is another kid.)

Also, to prepare yourself for the new year this is a reminder of what 2010 was about in terms of pop music:

It was compiled by someone who calls himself DJ Earworm. He’s done one every year since 2007. It’s kind of amazingly cohesive and listenable. I’m slightly disappointed that Ke$ha is in there so much but I’m glad it meant I got a couple extra snippets of the hot mess that is Dirt Nasty.

Ok if I don't see you before the New Year: HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Happy חֲנֻכָּה!!

2010-12-08T10:38:00.001-05:00

I don't claim to be smarter than the average bear (I definitely am smarter but I’m not getting into a pissing contest with a damn grizzly), but I at least know a tiny bit about Chanukah. Here’s what I know about the 8 day festival of lights:

Something about a lantern staying lit for 8 days.
There are candles you light every night on the menorah
Spelled a bunch of different ways in English because it’s translated from Hebrew
Typical foods involve: Matzo-ball soup, chocolate coins, halva, latkes, and other delicious treats.
Some game about spinning a dreidel and gambling chocolate money
Giving a Jewish person a gift basket filled with stereotypes (bagels and chocolate money) is not offensive.

It seems that there are people who have much more varying degrees of knowledge about this holiday we call Ḥǎnukkâh.

Hanukah Matata:

Here’s a person from lamebook who knows much MUCH less about it than I do

Although, I may be just as naive as Amy here because I didn't realize there were so many connections between Star Trek and this Jewish Festival of Lights. Spock is really excited about eating these Latkes.

And he’d never go anywhere without his Dreidel and awkward nurse costume… er… Starfleet Uniform with matching Yarmulke…

There’s also this Star Trek themed Menorah, with some kind of blob monster on the end.

But I guess the Jewish are open to both of the rival Science Fiction Factions and because of the long unfortunate history of persecution, they have extended their support to another ostracized group; The Star Wars fans. Or, as they like to be called, the Jewbaccas (there are a lot of them)

I throw my Latkes in the Air Sometimes

These kids are hot and way more knowledgeable about Judaism, Hanukkah, Jewish History, Costume-making, filmography, and rocking Yarmulkes than I am.

Seriously those boys are hot. I would dreidel with them.

And, last but not least, the best Mel Menorah that I’ve ever seen:

Take that you bigoted asshole!

Ok I guess that's enough. I hope you have been having a wonderful Chanukah!

ps. If you havent noticed, I have been covering all of my bases by using every single possible spelling of the holiday that I could find. So far, spellcheck has approved all of them.

Atheists: Round II

2010-12-02T10:24:00.001-05:00

On that LJ community I cannot stop reading for my own good, someone asked the (albeit probably naive) question:

According to Wikipedia, '...athiesm is the specifically the position that there are no deities.' I'm guessing that means that they believe that the Christian God, Allah, Vishnu, Pagan gods and goddesses etc etc don't exist. But it seems to me that the argument is primarily between athiests and Christians. Why is this?

The question was actually answered pretty accurately very quickly on. Basically, it’s because the religious people around you are Christian and if atheists are anti-religion, the biggest targets are the Christians. QED.

But of course that isnt enough and someone has to start crying about how Atheists are oppressed and Christians are dumb sheeple who cant think for themselves or accept other belief systems.

It's not between atheists and any particular religion. It's not even between atheists and religious people in general.
It's between atheists and those unable to accept points of view different from their own.

Actually, if I’m understanding your belief system its pretty much between atheists and ANYONE who has ANY OTHER BELIEF SYSTEM. Atheism is anti-deity. Atheism is the epitome of “I don't understand other points of view”

Ok here’s the thing about Atheism. They call themselves Free-Thinkers and refer to themselves as having their eyes open to science.

Their understanding of how science works is total bullshit. Here’s a quick run down of what happens with science.

Science is is an enterprise that builds and organizes knowledge in the form of testable explanations and predictions about the natural world.

Here’s a fun fact about the term “Natural World”: They arent talking about rocks and trees and shit. They are talking about everything from human nature, philosophy, epistemology (aka belief, trush, and justice), and metaphysics (which leads to the study of Cosmology and Phenomenon).

So, really, the thing about science is that to make any conclusions you need to be able to test it and figure out scientific models and then be able to use them accurately predict outcomes.

By definition (and really, by all legitimate science ever done) science will and will probably never be able to prove or disprove the existence of a higher power. It can disprove nitpicky things from particular sections of religious texts but it will never be able to prove that there is no God.

Atheists calling for Open-mindedness and then saying this bullshit is ripe:

In the history of the world, nothing has been the catalyst of more grief, hatred, war, and crime than religion. Religion allows a person to hate, kill, torture, or steal, while allowing him to recuse himself of all blame. Religion causes people to break the laws of ethics and morality in the name of a god.

Religion dulls the mind and weakens the senses.

I don't know about that. I’m pretty sure disease, famine, and simple bigotry and greed have been a big part of all those first things. Patriotism and mental illness can also allow people to kill torture and steal. Video games and too much television also dull the mind and weaken the senses. Not to mention the idea that calling someone immoral is like saying that they are “philosophically wrong” which is basically impossible. (EDIT: Since beginning this rant, I have also read that political leaders who happen to be atheist have been inordinately inclined to kill in large quantities.)

Religion is anything but tolerant.

American Atheists is not afraid to point out that which is true: religion is ridiculous.

Religion is malicious, malevolent, and unworthy of respect.

Mm-hmm.

We're respectful of the American People's individual rights to practice as they see fit. If you choose to ignore logic and knowledge in order to believe in an invisible magic man in the sky, or Santa Claus for that matter, you've made a ridiculous decision and we're not going to pretend it's "just another way of looking at things".

Ok so, religion is intolerant and unworthy of respect. Which is why we respect everyone’s rights to do as they wish except that we wont TOLERATE or RESPECT it.

Atheism, the absence of religion, is the only "ism" that obeys the laws of physics.

Ok, Arrogant motherfuckers. “Ism” can be any of the following belief systems:

Atomism, Darwinism, Deductivism, Empiricism, Environmentalism, Inductionism, Mechanism, Scientific Reductionism, Rationalism, Realism,

So, are you telling me that Darwin actually broke the laws of physics to bring you your biggest arguing point against the creationists? I smell an inconsistency! Since you know all about logic, you should know that in a Reductio Ad Absurdum proof when you reach a contradiction it means your entire argument falls apart, right? Of course you knew that. Because you put science and logic on a pedestal, right?

There’s even a section on this site about how to turn missionaries and priests that might come to “accost” you with their “propaganda”

Should you view this as opportunity to correct a poor misguided human being who has been brought to your presence for enlightenment, if not salvation? More than likely the religious proponent to whom you are speaking will rarely encounter someone able to correct his illusions with some well chosen queries and poignant observations.

It is a well-known fact that nobody who is a Jehovah’s Witness or Mormon has come into contact with someone who has a post-education degree or a goddamned head on their shoulders! LETS SHOW THEM what we know from reading the internet in 5 seconds and we will ROCK THEIR WORLD with our logic!

I realize this post is a little long, so I’m gonna cut it off right now and write a second one. I’m not done raging on this yet. Nobody drags science’s name through the mud like this and gets away with it on my watch.

… to be continued.

Been called “Insane”

2010-11-30T10:30:00.001-05:00

So we just talked about the worlds biggest Harry Potter fan, the one with all the tattoos and the nerdiness. I guess there’s some kind of voting for the biggest nerds, and this is Anita’s submission for biggest twilight fan:

Has anyone else waited in line for 98 hours?

Has anyone else made up twilight songs to sing to reporters?

Have random people stopped you at the mall to take your picture just because you’re a fanatic?

Seriously though, this is exactly why I don't want to have children. Who knows what kind of stupid shit will be popular in two decades and I’m not gonna spend all my money on ridiculous nonsense like this.

Happy Harry Potter Day, Everyone!

2010-11-18T08:54:00.001-05:00

Today is the day that the first part of the last book of Harry Potter comes out as a movie. (You like that sentence? I worked hard on it.)

Anyway, I am pretty much surrounded by the most excited group of people to exist, but none of them could hold a candle to this guy:

At first, I thought maybe it was some kind of parody video where they took some kid who happened to look like Daniel Radcliff and made this poking fun at super potternerds.

Then I realized that it’s more likely that this kid actually got plastic surgery to appear more like Harry Potter and gets a gigantic boner everytime someone recognizes him. Which is terrifying.

Why, Japan? Why?

2010-11-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

What the hell is it with all these robots?

HRP-4C the Dancing Robot:

It’s pretty tough, but I guess it’s still better than the possibly mentally challenged Miss China trying to do an impression of a robot.

How about

IDK WTF.

And this is what happens when you cross Animes with Robotics. FUUUU.

These things terrify me. You don't think that after getting poked in the face a few hundred too many times they aren't going to flip out and start massacre-ing us with their laser eyes?

Have we forgotten that Labor Robots have actually KILLED people since the 1970s? Are we really giving away American Factory jobs to MURDEROUS ROBOTS!? ' target=_blank>Even the polite British robots want to kill us all…

WEDNESDAY PICSPAM #3

2010-11-03T22:14:00.000-04:00

1. Coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

3. Buttplug Trucker hat:

(except for the terrible fashion, Ron is still hot.)

5. Zach Galigianakis posing for Vanity Fair. Yeah, that’s what I said.

6. I laughed out loud seeing this…

….. sucks for that dude.

7. How is it that Peewee is awesome but Regis frightens me so terribly?

8. Worst Baby-shaped Meatloaf ever.

9. David Arquette getting down and dirty with a stripper midget

10. Aaaaand finally, check out these eyebrows from People of Walmart

Post-Holiday Cleanup

2010-11-03T12:33:00.001-04:00

Halloween was successfully traumatizing this year. Saturday night was the Disco of the Damned II where I saw the beautiful sight of some king of 9ft pigtailed man grinding all up on some girl in a neon pink wedding dress. It was like a hippie rave nightmare. Also the girl with sideburns who tried to take me home, and my supposed feature on an episode of Ice Road Truckers….

The point of Halloween is to terrify yourself.

Needless to say I had a fantastic time! On Sunday I also got to see some real live versions of Sexy Freddy Krueger and Sexy Finding Nemo. They were girls I know, and I don't think they were joking.

So anyway, around the world, across the internet, and in Hollywood there have been some pretty awesome and terrifying costumes!

In NYC:

Elsewhere:

BABY SHARK!

Terminator Slave Leia?

Then of course there’s the Internet Halloween costumes that people have been putting together. There’s been entries for the People of Walmart site halloween costume, and of course the Urlesque HallowMeme Costume Contest which includes a girl dressed as the Trololol guy, Antoine Dodson, Keyboard Cat, Double Rainbow… the list goes on and on.

Every-day schmucks do some pretty exciting work with costumes, but its fun to see what celebrities who have basically unlimited access to money, spare time, and hair and makeup experts end up doing with themselves for Halloween.

Snookie Dressed as a Pickle

Dennis Quaid dressed as The Situation

Heidi and Spencer dressed as John & Kate

Richard Simmons as Peter Pan

And of course Heidi Klum always steals the entire show. She is basically the Queen of Halloween. This year she was like an Alien Cyborg Robot.

I love that she gets so into it and I love how Seal goes along with every crazywhack costume that his lady does.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T08:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks, Helen Killer.

I RETRACT MY EARLIER STATEMENT

2010-10-25T03:41:00.001-04:00

(Just Kidding)

One of the best things about having a loyal fanbase is that they will call you out the instant you do something unoriginal.

Rob: nice 1 rippin off that cracked article btw
Me: hm?
Rob: on your blog
Me: I always rip off cracked
Me: but what are you talking about specifically?
Rob: the costumes
Rob: http://www.cracked.com/article_18834_26-sexy-halloween-costumes-that-shouldnt-exist.html
Me: oh they did an article about costumes?
Me: shit i didn't see that one
Rob: yea its the same thing you did
Me: nice
Rob: but better
Me: well yeah they get paid and have more spare time than me
Me: and are also funnier and better at writing
Rob: they owned you

They did own my post about halloween costumes.

With this:

WHIP IT

2010-10-22T20:57:00.001-04:00

I have no idea why it took me so long to watch this video but this child is amazing. If there’s anyone out there who is EVEN MORE behind on the times than I am, this is Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s daughter Willow. She’s been in some movies and stuff I guess, but this is her single and it OWNS. It is so much better than I thought it was going to be.

I think it’s great. I think she’s great. Of course, if I had my way I would be adopted into the entire Smith clan, so I might be a tiny bit biased. I am not the only one, of course. Everyone else on the internet is into it too… and at the risk of this becoming a Bieber-Smith fansite, I should probably post some parody and tribute videos of varying quality:

The Grand Prize, of course, goes to Snookie and her Dog

Although I dont think it’s a Parody…

And then Sesame street recently did a song about loving your “difficult” or “bad” hair, which has since been mashed with Willow’s Whip My Hair:

I don’t really understand why this needs a message, because as a girl with boring bland hair I have wanted nothing more in my life than a Fro-hawk. Willow's only like 9 or something but she’s already got one. LIVE THE DREAM, GIRL

Two little linkies that you should check out also:

The elementary school kids who created their own tribute video with a choreographed dance AND costumes in under 3 hours.

Willow Smith drives this Parrot insane! Somewhere around the 1:00 mark it goes straight up exorcist on everyone.

This kid has exploded all over the internet and she’s got that same damn smug look as her dad.

I make this look good.

I, for one, welcome our new Smith Family Overlords.

HALLOWEEN

2010-10-22T00:19:00.001-04:00

Halloween is coming! Halloween is the best holiday ever because regular folk dress up like ghouls and ghouls come out unmasked! Or, more accurately, in modern times men dress like women and women dress like whores.

Either way, there are some SUPER FANTASTIC costume ideas roaming around the internet.

My main issue with most of these is that they are sexifying things that should in no way be sexy in the first place:

First up:

Sexy Ladybug, Sexy Finding Nemo, and Sexy Sunflower.

Sexy Smurfs, Sexy Lumberjack, Sexy Cookie Monster, and sexy Remote Control!?

Now we get into the world of scary-sexy costumes:

Sexy Freddy Krueger:

Sexy Chucky:

Sexy Texas Chainsaw Massacre Leatherface:

Sexy Gene Simmons:

from Regretsy.

Or you could just do some Made-To-Order Sexy Unicorn Pasties and call it a day:

So many options!

Commitment.

2010-10-21T23:18:00.001-04:00

Commitment is a word that frightens many people. For example, I have a hard time staying committed to updating this needy bitch of a blog and appeasing my whiney followers… (Just kidding… Sara…)

Anyway, I was reading a post on the livejournal community Ask me Anything by a notoriously naive and verbose reader who started out his post saying:

I expressed some cynical views in the post yesterday on wearing purple to show support for the gay teenagers who committed suicide and/or gay teenagers in general.

Which, by itself, is completely ridiculous. He went on to apologize for his robotic and elitist behavior but what he said doesn't matter to me at all.

What caught my interest was a random response by a bleeding heart called “Wrong Cupcake” who educated everyone with this gem:

I just want to say that the term "committed suicide" is offensive. Died by suicide is a better way to say it.
http://www.suicide.org/stop-saying-committed-suicide.html

I was a tiny bit shocked, and I checked out the website. I am BAFFLED. They have two major points opposing the phrase “committed suicide” that contradict one another:

Saying that someone “Committed” suicide implies that suicide is a crime (To be fair, It is; spiritually and secularly in many faiths and locales). Hearing that a loved one who chose to take their own life is also considered a criminal is apparently too much to bear.
Saying that someone “Committed” suicide implies that they made that decision in sound mind.

You cant have it both ways. It either means that you’re crazy and doing crazy crimes or that you’re making a permanent life decision for yourself and there’s no going back.

The definition of commitment is: the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action.

Fun fact about suicide… It is literally the most irreversible commitment a human being can do. Marriages get annulled, criminals are acquitted, tattoos are removed with lasers.

They’re talking about removing the stigma from suicide. Why the hell would we do that? I was under the impression that society was not a fan of suicides. Should we start marketing them to kids? Merchandising suicide products?

OF COURSE IT’S FUCKING STIGMATISED. SUICIDE IS A TERRIBLE THING. IT IS A COMMITMENT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU DO THAT CANNOT BE UNDONE.

I don't think I’ve ever heard a more accurate term in my entire life.

This reminds me of the entire “mentally challenged” being offensive as an insult argument, but I guess that should be for another day.

…I swear the next post will be funny.

Video Overloadeder

2010-09-15T23:00:00.001-04:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

2. Best song ever, written by the Queen of the Lesbians

“Women are lovely, I use them to have sex/I am queen of the lesbians/girls come and see my vagina” (ps I love Michael K)

3. I have decided to move to Sweden. This guy is hot.

4. You better learn how to squat correctly or else Asian people will look down on you. READY SET SQUAT.

5. Paula Deen fries a cheesecake.

I love you Paula Deen please be my mom. My favorite is after its fried and she's like “OH WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT THE POWDERED SUGAR” and then pours like 5 more syrupy toppings on it.

6. If you like cat videos, here’s one of a fat cat crawling into a little pot:

And if that isnt enough, here’s the sequel.

7. Here’s some Sumo Line-Dancing

I sent to this to my friend Rob just now and he only responded with “tampa bay area is retarded.” There's a bunch more of these videos, I didn't watch them all the way lemme know if there’s any gems.

8. I know that I may not know shit about Pokémon, but it turns out that this kid knows a lot and he’s ALL KINDS OF CRAZY EXCITED about finding a SHINY PONYTA. After playing 3 separate Gameboys for nearly 8 months.

I REALLY OWE YOU ONE, GOD.

9. Creepy Birth Simulator:

I didn’t watch this video demonstrating the MULTIPLE POSITIONS of this birth simulator, but you can feel free.

(Picspam #2) Try to tell me…

2010-09-15T20:44:00.001-04:00

…What the fuck this shit is.

(By the way, welcome to Wednesday Picspam #2 I am sorry I’ve been so goddamn lazy about updating, my preciouses)

2. This man is so nonplussed about wearing this unicorn yarn shit.

3. I am continuing my love affaire with Regretsy:

I love you Helen Killer, you are a genius.

4. I found this on one of the twitter uploading sites and it makes me happy:

5. This is the entire reason I work out.

6. I wish I was talented enough to express my love like this.

This is the happiest master-slave trucker couple everrrr

7. Yeah, that's Chewie with a crossbow riding a squirrel fighting some Nazis.

NBD. I drew one myself but I didn't want to put it up because I didn't get the shading right.

8. Turdles, motherfucker, DO YOU SELL THEM?

This shit was on failblog.org I don't know what’s wrong with them because this is amazing.

9. Look at how badass this crab is.

10. This is a picture of some beautiful… person loving on their pet.

If you need more, there’s a whole gallery on Buzzfeed.

11.

I guess this is one of those scooter things they have for people who are too “disabled” to swim. I’m surprised she’s not wearing some sketchers shape-ups to double her calorie burn.

Gathering of the Juggalos

2010-08-21T22:46:00.001-04:00

Lets talk about the 2010 Gathering of the Juggalos.

For those of you who are lucky enough not to know about Juggalos, they are fans of the band Insane Clown Posse.

My basic understanding is that the band and their followers are fat and dress up like clowns and do drugs and rap about it.

So anyway, all these super hardcore weirdos like to get together once a year for the annual Gathering of the Juggalos.

Here’s an infomercial about it:

Why don’t you sit back and pop open an ice cold Faygo and I will show you some pictures of the magic that transpired this year:

Supposedly, this is the “Boob Lagoon” but I only see Moobs.

I’m SUPER BUMMED that I missed out on it this year, but fortunately for me, Tom Green went and documented the experience for his website:

and he was received incredibly well. Not so much can be said for his companion Tila Tequila, who had a watermelon filled with feces thrown at her, among other things after she showed them her boobs.

Next time, Tila should probably read this Sex Advice from Juggalos.

And for the rest of you, check out these 22 Things You Will Probably See At The Gathering Of The Juggalos.

You know, so you can be prepared for next year.

Animal Games!

2010-08-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

First off there’s the Pug Swim Meet!

Then there’s Rabbit Hopping Contests that are all the rage in Denmark!

(Click for Video)

THEN there’s Animal Photobombing

and Dressing your dog up like Lady Gaga:

Not to mention DOG RIDING:

and of course, Martial Arts!

But be careful pushing your pets too hard. They could become overachievers and it could lead to your pet wanting to kill itself.

People are so insane.

YOU SHITTING ME?

2010-08-18T01:34:00.003-04:00

Oh hey guys. I’m James Cameron. I made this movie you might have heard of. Oh, haha it’s not Titanic, but that was pretty epic too. It was called Avatar and it was super new and innovative and in 3D and stuff.

It was like, the highest grossing film of ALL TIME in the theater and it’s also the highest grossing blu-ray seller of all time ever. This is because the kind of douchebags who own blu-ray players are the same idiots that think that Avatar is worth watching more than once.
It won Oscars and Golden Globes and shit and for some strange reason this high-tech Ferngully remake has been absolutely cemented as the most impressive movie of the 21st century.

Anyway, I’m calling you all together because I’m pretty sure that there are like six or seven people out there who haven't seen the movie yet. This is a huge problem. I could just send them BLURAY disks of my groundbreaking film, but I think I’d rather reap everybody’s money and make them pay out the ass for some 3D glasses and make them watch it again. We haven't quite made enough money yet.

On August 27, return to Pandora and re-experience James Cameron’s History-Making Epic film, with more than Eight Minutes of Never Before Seen Footage- exclusively in Digital 3D and IMAX® 3D. Since - and largely as of result of - AVATAR’s release last December, the number of available digital 3D screens has exploded, and moviegoers who missed experiencing the film in 3D, as well as fans that want to return to Pandora again, will now have that opportunity.

You think these guys will go again?

THIS IS THE BEST IDEA IVE EVER HAD. MOAR FANS YAYUSSSS.

ps. fuck you James Cameron. You are so insensitive to people like me with only one working eye. I have to pay an extra goddamned $4 to get some glasses that allow me to watch movies NORMALLY because everyone is trying to suck your peen and get as much money as you. Also all your movies suck.
pps. except True Lies. Movie owns.

OKCUPID: Non-conformist edition.

2010-08-14T18:15:00.002-04:00

I have not done this in a good long while. My favorite thing about the statistical geniuses over at OkCupid is that they have the Enemy Rating.
When I’m done taking ego-boosting quizzes about Which Historical Villain I Would Have Been or Which Justin Bieber Song Am I, If I am still feeling low on myself I like to search for people that are the EXACT OPPOSITE of myself to be reminded why I am so awesome. Sometimes I don't have to search for them and they decide to message me anyway.

I'm not like most people my age . . . I tend to be non conforming in things that are fun, like music and art.

I, too, exercise my individuality by having fun and listening to music.
So now, I am searching by enemy rating and I have decided that today’s keyword is going to be “conform” because I’m hoping to rat out some super individual non-conformists.
First up:

Diceroller005

I am in a very bad marriage, with no children. I have a great dog, and he is my best friend.”
“I am very humorous and outgoing..the only starnger in my life is someone I have yet to meet.

HeavyUnda

I don't waste time, I just procrastinate.My friends think I'm crazy, my family and pretty much everyone else I meet, but I'm just misunderstood. Like when I get drunk and run around the streets naked, that's not crazy, that's plastered!

I think it’s a good idea to lead with your best foot. Tell any potential dates that you are unmanageable and how all your loved ones are convinced you’re insane.

CaGeSGiRL

LiFe oF tHe PaRtY, sOcIaL BuTTeRfly, MiSfiT. CeNtER of AtteNtIoN!!!!

Tomux

The Six things I could never do without:
Music, PC, my cat, manga, drinks (non-alcohol)

The_Existencial

I am an existencialist and I like to write alot about the orgians of the universe as well as the orgians of man. I am veary retro looking I think and I am a non-conformist.

I am very much interested in discussing the finer points of philosophy with this educated and intelligent man.
Ok ok last one:

Jeremy112361

I am called the Bohemian by many. it means that im not someone to conform to something, so that makes me a non-conformist... I play warhammer and 40k.

Thank you for clearing up the definition of non-conformist for me! What a relief!

I am essay to get along with and i also can give out sage like advice. For some reason people often try to kill me(try is the big word) anyways I'll post some good pix of me soon.
You should message me if: your are smart and think 'bout stuff, your a martial artest, you like good music(contry is not a good forms of music).

I am giddy with the juxtaposition of people who are dumb as bricks requiring their dates to be smart.

What a Pratt.

2010-08-05T11:21:00.001-04:00

For those of you who don't watch The Hills (like me) let me tell you a little bit about Spencer Pratt. The Hills is some made up bullshit show where all of the women are made of plastic and all of the men are actually whiney bitches.

Spencer and Heidi Whatserface are fame hungry attention whores. They’re kind of like watching a train wreck full of people you hate. You wish you had the ability to rise above and not care, but you cant stop staring. Everyone hates them, but EVERYONE KEEPS PAYING ATTENTION.

Anyway, it recently surfaced that his marriage to a talking blow-up doll was fake. Turns out that there are laws about needing to marry another living consenting adult. Once your body is more than 50% silicone the rights get a little screwy and we get into I, Robot territory there.

Anyway, Buzzfeed recently posted The Best of Spencer Pratt’s Twitter Feed and these are seriously amazing.

I’m starting to think that Spencer Pratt might actually secretly be a comedy genius. This shit is legitimately hilarious. “You know a crystal loves you when it makes you bleed” might be my new favorite quote ever.

He also is getting his foot in the door to the Jersey Shore world. When Snookie was arrested, Pratt gave some advice to her ex on how to be a gigantic famewhore boyfriend to a fake tanned famebot.

He was sent there by Spencer Pratt, reports RadarOnline. Emilo and Spencer have gotten close in the last few months…. Emilo called Spencer and said he had to get to Snooki after he heard she was in jail and Spencer sent him there.

Emilo came baring gifts, which was a large jar of Snooki's favorite pickles and a designer T-shirt that says; "I love Snooki" , that set him back $100.

Keep it classy Spencer Pratt.

Bieberography!

2010-08-04T16:43:00.001-04:00

Everyone (Me) is really excited to hear about how Justin Bieber’s journey through puberty went for him. Which is why somebody decided to make a comic book based on his life.

I hope the comic book talks about how his nomination as Keymaster of the Internet.

Haters can cringe and scoff all they want, the internet willed him onto this list. By virtue of having the most viewed video on YouTube, shiny hair, a lasting bond with Ellen DeGeneres and the ability to seismically brainwash millions of Twitter-happy teenaged girls, the cherubic toddler has more than earned his key. With supervision. All it would take is one Tweet...

It’s ok if they don’t put it in the comic book though, he could still put it in his new autobiography. As excited as I know you all are, it’s very important to remember that Bieber is still a child and that he probably hasn't done anything cool yet. Except hang out with Ludacris.

Here’s some amazing quotes from the boy’s twitter:

"I also try to read all of my fan mail. A lot of them send me candy, which I'm not allowed to eat 'cause my mom says it might be poisonous."

"I'm just a regular 16 year old kid. I make good grilled cheese and I like girls."

"It's kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I'm going to the White House and I'm in there doing a tour and stuff, that's like school."

In completely unrelated news, this is the most terrifying Bieber cover I’ve ever seen:

I’m gonna go ahead and blame it on Tim and Eric. This seems like the kind of shit they’d do.